The Challenge

So I've decided to challenge myself. Seven years ago I came up with an idea for a novel, I was looking for a job and needed something to fill my days between sending out resumes and twiddling my thumbs waiting for the phone to ring. The story just came to me, I was reading a paranormal mystery and thinking, "I can do this", so I did.

It started out as a vague idea of a story, then it just kept flowing out of me and I just kept writing it down. Before I knew it I had a very basic twenty-one chapter outline for a book. I started doing research online of locations and history, character names and murder plots. It slowly started coming together and I felt like I was accomplishing something in my mundane existence. Then I got the call, an interview at last. Then I got the job offer and snatched it up faster than a cat pouncing on your head at 5am on a Saturday morning (I had five cats at the time). And the book just stopped. Life just got in my way, and my idea was left unrealized.

I thought about it over the years, but never put in any time or effort to really work on it. I had a job with a real income, my marriage fell apart, then we reconciled (or so I thought), broke up, bought a house that required a complete gutting and overhaul, reconciled again, got pregnant with my son, threw my husband out, had my son...and so and and so on. Life just sort of does that.

Fast forward to the present. My son is turning three, I'm almost done with the projects in my house, I'm in a job that is okay and basically pays the bills, but I'm not doing what I really want. Don't get me wrong, I have it a lot better than most. I have a great supervisor and I genuinely like the majority of my co-workers, and I get to be creative with my job. I started out doing student support, then started helping out with graphic design (which is what my degree is in), and now I'm working on the events/media committee. I handle all the visual communications for the school I work in, help coordinate our events and I've just sent off a book cover design for a custom text that is being published. I have a lot going for me and I have a lot of good ideas to make my job and the procedures in the school more effective. I'm also working on my second degree in anthropology and religious studies (one of the perks of working at a university). But it's still not my passion. I want more.

So why a book? Why not? It lets me be creative and create my own world. But do I actually have any "real" writing experience? Not really, just a few short stories I've written in my English classes (all of which received A's I might add and the praise of my professors for their originality). But I really think I can do this, just look at J.K. Rowling and Stephanie Meyer. If they could do it, why can't I?

It's a new project that I'm excited about, and I'm actually working on it. So far I've taken my sketchy outline and started summarizing my chapters. I've added a lot and changed around some of the scenes to fit what is currently selling in the market. I've snatched up books by authors on the bestsellers list in my genre to see how they're doing it. I've joined a couple of writer's associations with good recommendations and offer assistance with finding agents and editing my manuscript. I've looked at all sorts of "tips and tricks" for new authors. I've set up a Facebook page so my friends can see what I'm writing and give me pointers and comments. And yes, I realize that one must have a thick skin when taking the criticism of others, but I'm ready for it. If I can handle people telling me that my designs suck, I suppose I can handle the same with my writing. But I know that the criticism's will only help me make my novel great and eventually get it published. And I have some English major friends who are more than happy to help me with the initial edits before I actually send anything to an agent for review. I know I can do this, and I will.

So now I've given myself a deadline. The unedited version of chapter one must be online and ready for friendly (or not so friendly) review in July. I only plan on posting my first three chapters though, these are the most important because agents typically ask for the first three chapters of your book when they review your proposal, that is if you get past the initial query review. If my adoring friends and fans want to read the rest, they'll just have to buy my book :-)

So to all of the newbie and wanna be authors out there, just start writing, and keep writing, and don't listen to anyone who says you can't do it; they're probably just jealous that they didn't come up with the idea themselves.

Freedom of the Press: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Why do writers write?
Because we have something to say. Our lives and experiences give us knowledge and ideas for stories that we want to share with those who want to read them. As writers we are aware that just as there may be many who like what we write, there will be just as many who do not. The beauty of all of this however, is that no one is forcing anyone to read what we write. So if you don't like it, stop reading it. No one is holding a gun to your head. But - and there's always a but - there will also be those who feel that they need to argue with you and your words. Those who feel they have the right to forcibly censor you for no other reason than the fact that they do not like or agree with your words.
 
Now, if you are a journalist or fiction writer who is using actual names of individuals and spreading lies or vicious rumors that are completely unsubstantiated you should probably rethink what you are allowing to be published. But then again, walk into any grocery store and pick up the weekly tabloid and all you'll see are lies and rumors about famous individuals. So even in those cases, writers have a lot of freedom and rights regarding what they submit for publication.
 
But - yes, another but - there will also be those who may try to find ways of forcibly censoring you with false accusations and charges. It's unfortunate and extreme but it happens. So, to begin...
 
What is harassment?
According to the Canadian Human Rights Commission (which is where I live) it is a form of discrimination. It involves any unwanted physical or verbal behaviour that offends or humiliates you. Generally, harassment is a behaviour that persists over time. Serious one-time incidents can also sometimes be considered harassment.

Harassment occurs when someone:

• makes unwelcome remarks or jokes about your race, religion, sex, age, disability or any other of the 11 grounds of discrimination. 
• threatens or intimidates you. 
• makes unwelcome physical contact with you, such as touching, patting, pinching or punching, which can also be considered assault.

So in regards to writing, if you are making any of the above mentioned remarks about a specific individual you can actually be charged with harassment. If you are writing articles or fiction stories that are general in nature and for a broad audience that does not name anyone specifically or include any of the above mentioned grounds of discrimination, your writing cannot be called harassing in any nature.

What is slander?
The legal definition of slander is defamation by oral utterance rather than by writing, pictures, etc.

What is defamation?
The act of defaming; false or unjustified injury of the good reputation of another, as by slander or libel; calumny.

What is libel?
The legal definition is:
a. defamation by written or printed words, pictures, or in any form other than by spoken words or gestures.

b. the act or crime of publishing it.

c. a formal written declaration or statement, as one containing the allegations of a plaintiff or the grounds of a charge.

 

The same for the above legal terms. You need to be naming someone specifically, you need to be writing and publishing articles and/or stories that include discriminatory language against the specific person and the individual needs to be able to show in a court of law how they have been injured by your published words. Injury can include ruin of the individuals reputation through the media which has caused them to loose their job or somehow cause a lose of wages which can be tracked directly to your publications. Injury to one's reputation is hard to prove, but possible if it has cost the individual in a physical way that can be presented in court.

 

Injury can also include any publications of unsubstantiated lies or vicious rumors that defame the individual in the public eye regardless of any monetary lose. An example would be publishing that someone committed a violent crime when in fact they had not. This is why journalists are so vigilant on checking and double/triple checking their sources. Another example would be spreading rumors about someone's activities (say at a party or bar) that are purposely used to humiliate the individual, regardless if the statements are true. These can be grounds for being charged with libel or defamation of character.

 

So with all of that said the laws are pretty clear on what is and is not reputable in the media. As a writer you learn very quickly that your words can really piss someone off. It's our right to be able to publish what we choose. We each have the freedom of thought, belief, opinion and expression, including freedom of the press and other media of communication. Some may not like that we have this freedom, but they have this same freedom which allows them to voice their opinion within the legal system and file any charges (false or not) within that system. Of course, if someone's actions and consistent trouble making actually causes us as writers our wages due to false charges that cause censorship unnecessarily - we have a legitimate case against them.

 

We can't please everyone, and as writers we usually don't try. It's literally an impossible task. So we put up with the trouble makers and enjoy the fans in order to write for the public. We shouldn't have to be scared of what others will say or do if we are being responsible in our writing and staying away from the kinds of writing that can actually get us into a lot of trouble. Some may try threats and scare tactics but we have a right to express ourselves freely.

 

I write based on my personal experiences and dramas that go on in my life in regards to health and parenting. The people around me give me a ton of ideas and inspirations for articles. I literally have pages of possible topics. Do I write anything that could be used as libel against me or seen as defamation of character - no. Do I purposefully attempt to humiliate anyone in my writing - no. Do I spread lies and vicious rumors - no. Do I voice my opinions - yes. Can those who read my articles get an idea of some of the experiences I've had in my life - yes. Am I going to continue writing - yes.

 

I enjoy writing, I enjoy learning, I enjoy sharing my experiences and knowledge in the hopes of helping someone else out there. I have a right to express myself and I use that right. I hope that my current experiences and information I've listed can help someone else out there who may not know what is and is not acceptable to publish. But if all else fails, have a professional editor and/or lawyer review your submissions for any possible legalities. Happy writing!

 

Helpful writing links

PEN Canada

Online Legal Dictionary

Canadian Civil Liberties Association

Only the Positive May Enter...All Else is Locked Out

For my followers on my Fibro Survivors United Facebook page, you all may have noticed that I do not post any of the hundreds of pictures and comments that reflect our pain, frustration, depression and fears. It is extremely difficult to do; allow only the positive to enter your life, to enter your mind. We are trained early on to always seek perfection, a better way. As we get older this turns into criticism of ourselves and others until all that is left is the negativity. War, hate, fear, self-loathing, lack of confidence and self-esteem.

Toss on top of this ever burdening load an invisible illness that causes chronic widespread pain throughout your entire body. Family and friends do not understand, doctors think you're faking, even conspiring to get ahold of the 'good' drugs for no other reason than to get high. You must fight to stay employed or fight for disability. We do deal with pain, anxiety, depression, insomnia, weight gain, migraines, loss, fear of the future. But what has concentrating on, talking about, and worrying about the negative aspects of my life ever gotten me but more of it?

It is a tough decision to decide that I will no longer allow all of the negative to walk through my door. I want to scream and yell at times to make others really see and hear my pain, but what would that accomplish? Their pity? If I cannot have an adult discussion on my diagnosis with them, and have them understand - is it worth it to keep fighting to try and force them to see me? The answer I finally came to - NO.

I have been reading and studying on the principles of the Law of Attraction. I have experimented with it. On small things that I would like...to test it. Everything I have put out into the Universe has come to me...as long as I only see the positive, and let it go. The principles are a bit trickier than that...but that is the jest of it. So there is something to all of it. It does work. Others say they have healed themselves through this process - doctors have called it a medical miracle. So what will it hurt to try?

My decision has led me to make some changes. I do not pay much attention to the news. Pain and hate is what sells and it is what the media likes to cram down all of our throats. So I say - no more. I no longer write about (complain about) my pain, frustrations, anger, etc. in my blogs or on my Facebook page, to my friends or my family. I no longer comment on or share any images or words that concentrate on the negative aspects of chronic pain. I only look for the positive information to share with myself and my readers.

This doesn't mean that all the ickyness of Fibro has vanished from my life in a magical poof of smoke and fairy dust (that would be very cool though), but I'm making progress. I try very hard (and I mean VERY hard) to stay on course. I meditate, do deep breathing, take long hot showers and Epson salt baths. I do yoga and get outside each day. I read fun books. I watch shows I like and keep my spirits up. And I write. I do not (try not) to discuss all the bad and icky of what I go through each and every day because the more concentration and time I put into the negative - according to the LOA - the more of it I will attract into my life.

I take my meds and see my doctors - I do not listen to them when they say I must accept my pain and that it will be with me for the rest of my life. What do they really know? Not much in the area of fibro...we've all found that out. So why listen to that? I choose not to. I research various methods, tips and tricks for helping and give them all a try. Some help, some don't. I'm trying to go with what works and just let all the rest go. It doesn't deserve my time and attention.

The negative people who have tried to stay in my life...no more. I am selfish because I love myself and I know better than any one else on this planet that I deserve happiness and joy. I deserve to feel good. I deserve a good nights sleep. I deserve anything and everything that I want for myself - and absolutely no one, no matter your level of education and how many initials you can place after your name, is going to be able to convince me of anything else!

So, I pass on all the images and sayings that increase my thoughts of pain and anything else negative in favor of the positive. Some days are easier than others, but I'm going to keep trying. I'm not going to beat myself up for forgetting this or that, or misplacing something or not meeting everyone else's expectations. I'm not going to let others have the control over me that they have had in the past - they cannot make me feel inferior or insignificant because of their own ignorance. I know exactly what I deal with each day and I don't need to discuss it at length with anyone except to update my doctor and keep my husband and kids updated on what my day is going to be (ie: I can do more today than yesterday...I need to take it easy today). I let my family and doctor know what I need without the complaining, crying, yelling and anger (ok, ok...I try VERY hard to do this).

Some might think this idea is stupid, ineffective or as one reader put it - to placate, but it gave her a really good laugh. We all have the right to our opinions but I've seen the difference a positive attitude and positive atmosphere have on a not very positive situation. There is just too much evidence that says there is something behind these principles to brush it aside. I do feel better on the days I'm able to stay more positive, and worse on my negative depressing days.

So this is what I'm doing, and this is why you won't find any negative imagery on my sites. I'll keep everyone posted on my progress.

♥ Gentle Hugs ♥

Best Ways of Dealing with a Sleep Disorder: Learning How to Cope

Published on Yahoo!Voices / August 7, 2013

If you can't seem to get to sleep at night, thoughts won't stop racing through your head or you can't stay asleep if you do finally fall asleep; you are probably dealing with a sleep disorder. This goes beyond the occasional inability to get a good nights sleep. This can go on for days, weeks, months, even years. I should know, I've been dealing with a sleep disorder for the past 3 years. But there is hope, and there are ways of helping yourself get back to your normal sleep routine. Here are some of the best ways I've found for dealing with a sleep disorder.
See your doctor. If it's been a couple of weeks and your sleeplessness is not letting up, go see your doctor. It many cases a sleep disorder is an underlying symptom of another more serious condition. For me, it turned into a chronic pain condition which took nearly 4 years to accurately diagnose. There may be medications that can help immediately (prescription and over-the-counter). Have an open and honest conversation about what is going on in your life so your doctor can get you on the right path.

Consider Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). CBT is not your typical therapy. If there are other stressors or health issues going on, a therapist trained in CBT can help walk you through the steps you can actively take to learn to deal with what is going on. Help you learn to deal with your stress in a more positive way, and accept your own limitations without feeling like you're failing in some part of your life.

Be an active participant in your own healthcare. This is a big one. You can't just stand on the sidelines and let a doctor do everything for you. You MUST take an active role here. There are things you can do every day to help yourself in learning to deal with your sleep disorder:

1. Eat a healthy diet and get plenty of exercise. Discuss with your doctor or a nutritionist on the best plan for you.
2. Stick to the same schedule every day. Get up at the same time (even on weekends) and go to bed at the same time. The worst thing we can do for ourselves when dealing with a sleep disorder is constantly changing our internal clocks.
3. Have an evening bed time routine. Have a cool down period before bed, drink a cup of warm chamomile tea, take a leisurely walk, meditate. Just something that is going to allow you to let go of your day and calm your mind and body.

If you follow these steps you will most likely see a significant change in your sleep disorder. Even if this is a symptom of a larger issue, as is my situation, you will be taking steps to actively improve your overall health both physically and mentally. It may be a long-term plan, but every little step you take will help get you onto the path of health.

Published on Yahoo!Voices / August 7, 2013 

The Invisible Disease: Best Tips for Surviving Fibromyalgia

Posted on Yahoo!Voices.com

Having a diagnosis of Fibromyalgia can feel like a death sentence. Your doctor informs you that you have an invisible disease which causes debilitating pain throughout your body. You may lose your job, have to fight for benefits. You have to deal with doctors who think you're lying about your condition and symptoms and become a guinea pig in order to find the most effective medications and therapies. You'll deal with depression, insomnia, anxiety, extreme fatigue and pain. Then, as if that wasn't enough, you have to deal with the loss of family and friends who can't understand. Friends drift away, family stops calling. You feel empty and utterly alone. How can you be expected to deal with all of this?

That is how I've felt while dealing with my diagnosis. It's been six years of struggle. Doctors and specialists, tests and medications; being told that nothing is wrong with me and knowing that something definitely is wrong. You have doctors and therapists telling you that you need to accept the fact that you will experience pain for the rest of your life. What? Accept the pain. Why yes, I'm so excited to have to feel like I'm burning from the inside out. To feel spasms and shooting pain run through various parts of my body; I'm on board. Let's just accept it and curl up in a hole right now. I've been told by one pain specialist that, "well at least Fibromyalgia isn't life threatening". Really? What could be a worse threat to my life? Pain, depression, anxiety, insomnia, fatigue, migraines, weight gain; not being able to work, play with my son, take care of my home.

But what if there were a way of reaching acceptance? Not necessarily as the doctors have tried unsuccessfully to explain it, but a way of accepting a new life. A way of surviving the diagnosis rather than being a victim of the condition. That could change everything. It starts with how we see ourselves, what we tell ourselves each day.

Attitude is everything. One of the most important things I've learned during this journey is that if I feel like a sick person, I'll have horribly painful days. If I feel like a healthy, energetic person, I have better days . Dealing with a chronic illness can be devastating or it can teach us how to better care for ourselves. Sickness of any kind is our bodies inner alert system telling us that we need to pay attention and care for ourselves. This is the time to be selfish without guilt. This is the time to be vigilant; an active participant in our health. Keep researching, find support groups, interview as many doctors as it takes to find the one who will work with you on the best treatment plan. Look at alternative and non-traditional therapies like massage, acupuncture and osteopathic manipulative treatment.

Stress reduction is a must. Dealing with doctors and medications, trying to work (or coming to the conclusion that you can no longer work), trying to explain your condition to family and friends, fighting for benefits so you can take care of yourself physically and financially and just trying to get out of bed each day to continue the struggle can and often does overwhelm us into a deep depression and anxiety . There are things we can do to help reduce our stress levels:

• Find a therapist who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). A CBT therapist helps us find the best approaches to dealing with our current situations. It goes farther than just talk therapy. You may be given writing assignments or asked to do certain meditations or physical therapies as part of your treatment.
  
  
• Find what makes you happy. Get a collection of books or magazines that you really enjoy, gather together as many happy, funny, feel good movies you can and have them ready for the times when you need them. Start collecting pictures of things or places that make you feel good and put them into an album or vision board. Play your favorite music. Light candles, soak in the tub, breath deeply. Start a gratitude list. There are so many things to be grateful for even when we are in a challenging time of our lives. Concentrate on those each day. And most importantly - stay away from what makes you angry or upset. If hearing the news upsets you, stop watching it. If your home is cluttered and a mess because you've been unable to clean, see if a friend or family member can help you or call a maid service to come in once a month. Get rid of the clutter and unnecessary in your life.
  
  
• Reevaluate your relationships. This is a toughie, but vital to your health. Do you have friends or family that no matter how hard you try to explain what is going on with you, they just cannot understand or be sympathetic? Maybe you need to let go of those individuals or at the very least put boundaries and limitations on the relationship. If you're having a good day, fine but if you're having a bad day you need to keep them away from you. Let them know that today is a 'me' day and you'll get back to them when you can (then, and this is the most important part, hang up the phone ). If it's a spouse or child, take them to your doctors appointments, have them sit in on a therapy session, reach out to your support groups for help in educating them. You need them on your side and they need to know that you are not just being lazy. This is real, this is painful and this is a struggle for you each and every day even if they can't see it.
  
  
• Meditate every day. Meditate, pray, get lost in a beautiful piece of music or art. Do what ever it takes to quiet you mind and find peace within yourself. Our minds are amazing things and they can change our very existence . We've all heard of the placebo effect. We're given a pill and told that it will make 'this' happen. When it happens we go back to the doctor and tell them how great this pill is and they tell us, that's great but we only gave you a sugar pill. The pill did nothing to help our bodies, our minds did. Being able to tap into that power that we all hold within ourselves is what will change our health around.
  

Stop concentrating on the pain and start concentrating on our health. We must be able to surrender our old limiting and negative beliefs. Find one part of your body that doesn't hurt that day and meditate on that. Image yourself being and doing the things you want right now. See it and eventually you'll start to feel it and feeling it before it has happened physically is the key to manifesting miracles in our lives.

The steps listed above will give you the ability to handle the stress of doctors and medications, working and benefits. The point is to keep yourself in a good feeling place and not a negative, self-defeating place. It may not happen overnight, but maybe it will. The time it takes to change your health around from fighting a diagnosis to surviving is completely up to you. Our beliefs and thoughts manifest the feelings we have and by changing those we change our physical reality. I'm a huge believer in the Law of Attraction and the belief that what we think and feel we create. I have every intention of creating my health and not my disease. Call it God, call it Source, call it what ever you want. But what ever it is, I'm doing it - what about you?

Quick reference list of doctors you may want to consider seeing if you have or think you may have Fibromyalgia:

Primary Care Physician / Rheumatologist / Neurologist / Osteopath Doctor / Physical Therapist / Nutritionist / Acupuncturist / Massage Therapist / Chiropractor

If you are looking for a place to start finding the resources you'll need to reclaim control of your health, visit Fibro Survivors United.

I wish you all continued peace and health on your journey with Fibromyalgia.

Posted on Yahoo!: http://voices.yahoo.com/the-invisible-disease-best-tips-surviving-fibromyalgia-12288481.html?cat=5

Showing our Anger in Front of our Children

Have you ever watched a parent rant and rage about something in front of their child? Heard them yell at someone else in front of their children? Or perhaps been guilty of this act yourself? We're all human and slipping into this kind of unhealthy behavior can happen. 

The question is what does this do to our children and what do we do about it. 

First, we need to realize that it is alright to feel the need to release our anger at someone or something that has happened. The choice we all have is how we go about it. Some of us may write, or exercise or talk to someone about the issue. Preferably a counselor who can give you tips for healthy release of your angry feelings. Talking to friends or family in order to vent can actually increase your angry feelings because they will tend to agree with you and further foster your anger. This will not help. 

Next, we need to acknowledge that we've made a mistake in venting in front of our children. Just like we do with other adults - we need to apologize and make amends. Many parents may not realize or feel that they need to apologize to their children, but we do. If we make a mistake it is important that we let our children know that we were the ones that made the mistake, apologize and make amends. It is no different than if you struck your child. Emotional scares can be far worse than physical ones, and expressing your anger in front of your children is nothing more than a form of child abuse. And if it continues you may be facing the authorities for your actions, so do something about it today before it gets so out of control you can't find a way out.  

Children will internalize the anger we show them. This will tend to surface by out of control behavior from our children. We show them how to act. If we are constantly angry in front of them, they will mimic that behavior.  Screaming, yelling, throwing tantrums and being mean are all signs that you've taught your child to handle their anger and frustration in an unhealthy way. Parents never like to be told this, but it's important to realize that if these are the problems your child is having then they are trying to express their anger, frustration and fears in the only way they have been taught. 

It's our job as the parent to correct our mistakes. So what do we do? 

Sit our child down and explain ourselves. They certainly do not need to details of exactly what we are angry about, but we do need to make sure they know that we were in the wrong by expressing our anger in front of them. We were angry or sad and never should have said/done... (fill in the blank) in front of them. Then apologize. Let them know how sorry you are for what happened, that you will work very hard to never do that again. If they want to know why you were angry make sure you explain that it had nothing to do with them. Be general. Kids do not need to know our adult issues. If it has to do with a relationship with another person or situation that has changed or ended - just let them know that you are sad/angry/frustrated that the relationship/situation has changed. They do not need to be involved with the details, but it is okay to let your children know that you're angry or sad about something. It will make it easier for them to come to you with their anger and frustrations instead of acting out in the moment. 

Then give it some time. Keep reinforcing that your child can talk to you about what is bothering them when they start acting out of control. Don't immediately scold or discipline them until you can get to the root of why they are feeling so out of control. Most of the time we'll find that our children just need to talk something out. Show them how to use their words to express themselves and not lose total control. Even if it is a painful issue that we are dealing with ourselves, we are the adult in this situation. Our job as parents is to teach our children in a loving and positive way even in times when we feel lost and out of control.  

Do your best to keep your anger in check. If that means seeing a counselor or other professional to give you advice, do it. Don't think you have to do this alone. If there is help available, take advantage of that help. Allowing our anger to fester and grow keeps us from moving through the issue. We hurt ourselves and we hurt our children by doing this. And again, venting to family and friends may seem to help in the moment but will keep you in the middle of the anger. You can't move through it if you keep talking about it to those who will just jump into the fray with you. Of course they mean well, but keeping yourself in the anger doesn't help anyone. We need to process and move on. This is what we want for our children, and the best way to show our children is through our actions.  

We've all been there. We have all had things happen in our lives that hurt, but we are the only ones responsible for how we react. The other people involved didn't force you to explode in front of your children, you did that all on your own. But it can be fixed. We only want love and joy in our children's lives. There will be hurts and challenges that our children will need to face no matter how much we wish differently. Our job is to prepare them so they can face these challenges in a healthy way. Not only will we be teaching our children, but we'll be teaching ourselves a better way of life. Our bond with our children will prove it. 

Published on Examiner.com: http://www.examiner.com/article/showing-our-anger-front-of-our-children

Bad parenting habits: how to break them before they break you

The not so positive habits that can be formed formed over the years of motherhood are plenty; but one of the worst infractions in parenting habits would fall into the category of 'giving in too easily'. Toys, food, play time, bed time; sometimes its just so much easier to let them have their way. That is, in the short term. Long term however, your little habit may have helped to create a little monster.

We love our children dearly, we want them to want for nothing. And we hate to punish our little monsters, but as the years have gone by and their little personalities have grown and begun to shape into who they will become; we see things we do not like. Maybe a slight lack of empathy at times, too demanding at others. Your child feels they should get 'something' every time you walk into a store. Maybe you've allowed the grandparents to overly spoil them, because you can't say no to them either. This has only increased the problem.

So, to be completely honest with ourselves, our bad habits in parenting may be costing our children their selves. Their inner peace, their ability to express themselves in a way that gets positive attention. It's our responsibility to fix this. Our habit did this, and breaking this parenting habit will bring us both out of this little world of chaos. According to Kate Miller-Wilson in her article 'Effects of Bad Parenting on Children' , there are seven ways your children can be affected. Poor social skills, psychological disorders, doing poorly in school, and problems with the law are only some; and no parent wants to see their child go through that.

We have the ability to stop it from happening, but it takes work. It means dealing with some tantrums while your child fights the changes. And if we can survive that brief stage of rebellion, calmer waters will prevail. It may not seem so in the throws of a child screaming and yelling, throwing tantrums and fighting every step of the way. It usually never does, but the first time you say something and your child, totally out of character, just does it, it'll bring tears to any mothers eyes.

Here are some tips to help you break your bad parenting habits:

1) Look at how your child is acting. If you don't like what you see, you need to honestly analyze what you are allowing them to get away with. The truth is, the buck stops with you. It can be incredibly hard to see our own mistakes, but if we want our children to act like the responsible, loving and empathetic little ones of our dreams we need to realize that they act the way we allow them to act.

2) Seek some advice. Our parents weren't lying when they complained how we didn't come with instruction manuals and they did the best they could. Now we are in the same boat. Luckily there are parenting groups, online information and child psychologists who can point us in the right direction. So find what and who works best for you.

3) Be consistent. This is the only way our children will understand that we mean business. Give in once and the whole effort will go up in smoke. Consistency is what children need and crave. When they understand the rules and where the boundaries are everyone can breathe a sigh of relief and start enjoying each other as a family.

4) Make a rewards system. Children respond better to rules and boundaries when they are consistently (there's that word again) told how well they are doing. Whether it's a star chart on the refrigerator so they have something to look at and be proud of or consistent verbal praise and reinforcement (or better yet, do both) of good behavior; your children will have a complete turn around from where they were heading.

It isn't easy breaking habits, but when it will give your child the ability to become a better person. To make their lives easier, to increase the love and communication between yourself and your child, it's worth it. It will always be worth it.

Published on Examiner.com: http://www.examiner.com/article/bad-parenting-habits-how-to-break-them-before-they-break-you