The Art of Living with Gratitude, in Sickness and in Health - The Law of Attraction and How Even in Sickness Gratitude Can Be Present in Your Every Day Life

 
Published on Yahoo!Voices / February 4, 2014

Even in the best of times it can be difficult to live with an attitude of gratitude. We can take so many things in our lives for granted; being able to get up pain free every morning, contributing our knowledge at work, simply getting dressed and ready to leave the house. When a life altering condition appears on the scene gratitude is not the typical response. After being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, a chronic pain condition with no known cure , I was in panic mode. I had no idea what would lie ahead for me; could I keep working, rais e my son or even hav e a life of any kind? The condition worsened and I had to leave my full time work as a Senior Event and Communications Coordinator at Arizona State University after 11 years of service. I had to go on disability, get state assistance and learn how to speak up for myself with doctors and insurance companies. Not an easy task when you're spirally into a depression.

It wasn't an easy road but it is a manageable one if you can learn to concentrate on one small step at a time. First, get into the care of a physician and specialists who are well trained and knowledgeable about your condition. Don't ever let a medical professional try to demean you or make you think you're crazy for feeling the way you do. They aren't the doctor for you - keep searching. You need supportive advocate s for your health and they are out there in the form of physicians, family, support groups and friends. Talk to friends and family about what is going on with you physically and emotionally. If they can't understand or are unable to support you then you may need to explain to them that although you care for them very much, you will not be relying on them for support during this time in your life. And from that point on you can talk to them about anything, except your condition, which may mean you don't speak to them very frequently but this is about taking care of you not them.

Support groups are another wonderful place to look for like minded and understanding individuals who are going through the same or similar issues as yourself. Now, to clarify, by support group I am not referring to a group of individuals with the same conditions who sit around once a week and complain about each and every thing that has gone wrong with them or their lives. Yes, venting has its time and place but a support group should do just that SUPPORT. Offer books that are well written , tips for staying positive, references for doctors and other therapies that could help and a safe place to discuss your feelings and challenges with those who will support you and encourage you to keep going. Many support groups will also allow your family or friends to come with you so they can ask questions and gain some knowledge on what it means to have a pain condition.

Building your support system is the most important thing you can do. We all need to surround ourselves with loving and supportive individuals and keep any others at a distance . This is a time for guilt free selfishness. Our job is to practice extreme self-care ; how else can we ever be there for others if we are not able to take care of ourselves.

Once your support system is established and you have knowledgeable doctors working with you, the next step involves reinventing your daily life. What should your new daily routine involve? We need to figure out how our days will be, what kind of support will be needed with tasks we didn't need assistance with in the past. Our lives have changed so it's natural that our routines will change with it. Educating ourselves on our needs and physical limitations is important. Physical and emotional therapies should be included in our daily routines. For Fibromyalgia patients yoga and gardening are very good for both physical and emotional therapy. Meditation is also a valuable tool. It can be difficult for many people to meditate, especially when their lives have been turned upside down and depression is so close to us. But meditation comes in many forms. There is the typical form of sitting or lying down and quietly meditating but there are also guided meditations, moving meditations and deep relaxing meditations like Yoga Ni dra . So don't be discouraged if one form doesn't feel right to you. Just try another until you find the way that works best for you.

All of the steps listed above will help lead you to the next step; learning to live with gratitude in sickness. It can be extremely challenging to find anything to be grateful for when our health feels like it is no longer within our control to change and improve. All of the previous steps enable you to appreciate what you have in a positive light. I've listened to and watched others with similar pain conditions complain and live in constant depression over what they consider their 'lot in life'. They allow their conditions to fester and worsen over time. I know, I've been there myself. What I've learned through this journey , I do have control over my life and my body. My mind, my ability to recognize my emotions and reach for better feeling thoughts, is the strongest and most important ability I hold within myself. I have complete control, nothing can take that control away from me unless I let it.

One of the hardest challenges we all seem to face, whether we are in perfect health or not, is in taking responsibility for our emotions. It is so much easier to just put the blame on someone or something else. We give our power away to everyone who upsets us. It becomes even more challenging as our health declines. But what we should actively work on each day is realizing and accepting the fact that no matter what others are doing around us, we can live with joy, with appreciation and with gratitude in our lives. By turning away from what we do not want and spending our time with recognizing all the good that we have we actually begin increasing our ability to change our lives, to change our health.

This can seem like an impossible feat in the beginning. It involves being honest with yourself and others, setting up boundaries and sticking to them, actively practicing extreme self-care each and every day. All of this is possible, its that it can be uncomfortable at first because we are not accustomed to thinking of ourselves first. We aren't accustomed to being brutally honest with ourselves about what we really do want and need, and then expressing those needs. It can be frightening at first but I can guarantee that it gets easier, even enjoyable once you get the hang of it. And I can tell you all from personal experience that once you start putting out there what you want, once you take responsibility for your emotions, this is the place where miracles can and do happen.

This is why the first steps are so crucial to reaching this point. Gratitude does not come easily to those in pain - period. That's why we need our support system's in place, we need to have a list to go to for inspiration and support.
Some steps to get you started:

• Write out a gratitude list (and continue to add to it). Put it up somewhere that you can see it every day. Keep a copy with you at all times. If you start to feel negative, take it out, take a deep breath and read your list to remind you of what you do have that's good in your life.
  
• Make a list of any friends, family or support group members who you can call when you need to talk. Only list those who will be kind, supportive and encouraging.
  
• Keep the number of your doctor, therapist or counselor handy in case you need to make an appointment, and find out about emergency procedures their office may have if you need to speak to or see someone immediately.
  
• Declutter your home to declutter your mind. The more 'stuff' that is packed in around us physically the more anxious, depressed and stressed we feel. All of these emotions lead to increased pain. Start in one corner of a room if you need to, just do your best to simplify your life. We can breath easier when our homes, or place of solace and peace, is in order.
  
• Delegate . Find friends, family, support group members and/or other organizations that can assist you with small things like cleaning the house, walking the dog, helping you with shopping or budgeting. If you have children hopefully you have someone who can help with getting the kids to school and babysitting when you really need help. You need to lighten your load and stop expecting so much from yourself. If there is someone else on this planet who can do the job, see if you can delegate it.
  

It is so important to work towards releasing what you can, simplifying your home and life and establishing your support system in order to reach your goal of gratitude. It may feel like a million miles away but it doesn't need to. Our minds have far more ability to change our health around than any medication can. Physicians do studies constantly on the placebo affect with various medications and with a multitude of conditions and ailments . Study after studies shows that those with a positive attitude, a healthy support system and a strong belief in what ever unknown pill they are being given, are able to heal themselves. Pain conditions are one of the ailments that show significant findings in regards to lowering pain levels by having a more positive outlook and keeping to a healthy lifestyle.

I've heard the same complaints over and over again from fellow pain sufferers that this is all we have. Our lives will never get better. The doctors will never believe me or figure this out. I've been in the lonely place of feeling this worn out, this overwhelmed and this hopeless. I know first hand that we don't have a magic switch we can hit to feel better. Take baby steps, one day at a time and eventually you can and will get there. This I can promise.

Published on Yahoo!Voices / February 4, 2014

Siblings Sleeping in Sin?

Published on Examiner.com / November 19, 2013

What do you see when you look at the above picture? Love, comfort, peacefulness? Does it look cute, adorable or sweet? Some would say yes, of course. Some however, see a very different picture. They see 2 siblings of the opposite sex curled up together in the same bed. This is wrong, incestuous, perverted. When exactly in our culture did this shift occur? When did the sight of a bed turn from comforting and restful to something dirty and sinful? When did it become unnatural for our children to find comfort from closeness to one another?

According to anthropologists the idea of privacy and what was deemed appropriate and inappropriate regarding sleeping arrangements began changing in the 19th century. Homes became larger and families could have their own space. Although even to this day, it is mostly 'white America' that holds such strict and puritanical views on co-sleeping. Prior to this time all families co-slept. For most cultures the thought of not having your infant in bed with you or siblings all sharing a bed for comfort and closeness is abhorrent. They would look down on the parents who wouldn't allow this; feeling sorry for the children. So what caused this change?

The Puritans are all resting peacefully in their graves, why have their overly strict and ridiculous beliefs not been laid to rest with them? Religion plays a huge role in addition to the economic development of 'white America'. With larger homes families could spread out more. This wasn't for 'appropriateness' but simply as a social status. But along with this came a disconnection with the family unit. That once shared closeness faded into the past and seemed odd or uncomfortable to be in such close proximity to ones own family members. Nannies and wet nurses were employed to care for newborns and young children so mothers no longer had that bond with their children. Many faiths were already preaching of sin within our own bodies and certainly within our sexuality. Closeness to anyone of the opposite sex, regardless of age, was viewed as scandalous and sexual in nature, it made no difference if that was true or not.

Society and cultures have swayed back and forth over the past century on its overall view of family closeness and co-sleeping, and great strides have been made and will continue to be made. It's unfortunate that our own generation and that of our children have to deal with such absurdity but it's there - it must be dealt with. Parents in some states and providences actually have to keep it secret if they co-sleep out of fear of having their children removed from the home. Parents lose custody rights every day because of these out-dated and frankly, family destroying ideas.

Children with no knowledge of sex or sexuality yet make innocent gestures or 'play doctor' and parents freak out, convinced that their child has witnessed something inappropriate. Why does this have to be the immediate reaction? For arguments sake, what if they did see something? A couple kissing, a caress, a hug. Is that so wrong? Our bodies were designed to enjoy each other's closeness and sexuality. Or did the creator (creators/creatress - dependent on your belief system) make a mistake when human beings evolved into what we are today? Why create all of our erogenous zones if they weren't meant to be used for our enjoyment and pleasure? Adults have an annoying habit of over-sexualizing everything from children playing to cartoons. Have you ever watched one of your favorite childhood cartoons to realize as an adult that it's full of sexual innuendo's? As a child you had no idea about any of this, only as an adult do you see any of it - and cartoons are created by adults. So what does this say about our own sexual insecurities?

Children have to grow up so quickly. What do you want to be when you grow up? You need to learn to behave and follow the rules. Don't do that, don't say that, don't be that - do this, do that. It never ends for some children - why throw sex into the mix when they can barely spell their own names yet let alone tell you about sex and what it's for or how it should feel? Now, if they ask then it's time to sit down and tell them in an age appropriate way. By age appropriate, tell them in a way that is understandable for them. But if they aren't asking then there's no reason to go there. This does not mean however, that showing affection should be out-lawed in your home on the off chance that it will bring about questions. Questions are a good thing; at times uncomfortable for the parents, but a good thing overall.

By making the judgment that children of the opposite sex cannot co-sleep this also assumes the parents can judge their young pre-pubescent child's sexual orientation. So sisters can share a room or bed, brothers can share a room or bed; what happens if you discover one or both of your children are not heterosexual? Does this mean your children have been secretly having an incestuous relationship all this time? The answer to this question would be a very resounding NO. So if same sex is alright without knowing the sexual orientation of your children, how can children of the opposite sex be any different? Just because our culture has regularly ignored and/or ostracized anyone who openly admits to not being heterosexual does not give parents the right to assume the sexual preferences of their children. Nor does it give parents the right to assume their children are doing anything incestuous or perverted if they are of the opposite sex and sharing their sleeping space. Parents whose thoughts immediately go to something sexual or 'dirty' should try to figure out why they feel this way and do something about it. It isn't natural to feel this way about your children; if something has happened to you in the past it should be investigated and even psychologically evaluated.

Children only act out sexually if they are taught. If your children have not seen you having sex, have not watched sexually explicit television or porn, or been witness to anyone else's sexual interactions then it's safe to say your children are not doing anything inappropriate. Children experiment and investigate everything around them. It's what children do. It's how they learn. If something your child does appears sexual it most likely isn't. It's just innocent investigation. Children want to know the differences between mommy and daddy; they will at some point see you naked. They'll want to know why they look different. Sit down and explain human anatomy to them. There's nothing wrong with their questions, there's nothing sexual behind the questions, they're just questions.

We are all born with the need to be close to our loved ones. We cling to those that give us love and comfort. Our most vulnerable time is when we are asleep. It is only natural that you would want those close to you that give you the most security. These would be your parents; one reason why children usually don't go willingly to their own beds, and their siblings. How many times do parents put their children to bed only to find them all curled up together in the morning? More than you may think. These relationships and bonds are strong and should be nurtured, not forced apart because of some absurd belief system that should never have started in the first place. The first adult to put this belief out there into the minds of others should have had his/her head thoroughly examined and then promptly investigated for sexual abuse themselves. It takes a perverted mind to start something like this, and it continues to thrive in too many parents minds today because of generations of indoctrination. It's hard to stop, but it is possible.

The responsibility lays at the feet of parents. What happened or didn't happen in our own childhoods? Is there something there that led us into a sexually suppressive state of being? How did our parents act? Were we abused as children? What was our upbringing like? Take some time to think about this and make a decision that you will not continue this cycle with your own children. For some of us that may include therapy on more serious psychological issues. For others, just taking the time to think before reacting. Our responsibility is to care for our children in all ways. That includes the bond and closeness that our children feel towards us as their parents as well as their siblings. Our children have nothing to feel bad about, so don't give them any reason to think their closeness to you or their siblings is anything but family bond, love, comfort and security - whether in wakefulness and most assuredly in restfulness and sleep.

Resources:
http://www.incultureparent.com/2011/08/the-wests-strange-relationship-to-babies-and-sleep/
http://libaware.economads.com/sleepwithme.php

Posted on Examiner.com / November 19, 2013

Reposting...my Freedom

I've reposted my old posts on my personal life that I removed a number of months back. There's nothing wrong with any of these posts, their just my blogs on my life. However, I'm being stocked by an individual who wants to see if they can find anything they can to use against my husband to hurt him. I'm through feeling like I can't express myself because of others - so they're back up.

Writing and Motherhood

Okay, who in there right mind thought that I could write a book and have a three year old at the same time??? Oh right, I did. I work full time, come home to my son and try to scrape in a bit of time here and there to keep writing. He isn't very cooperative.

Actually, that's a bit of an understatement. But he's very ingenious about keeping me from writing. As soon as the laptop cracks open and I make an attempt to put my various ideas in writing before I completely forget them - he's on a mission. The objective - to keep me from being able to type a single word. I've never seen a child plot guerrilla warfare against a laptop, but he's becoming quite the little soldier. He would make any three-star general proud.

It starts with his needing something to drink, then something to snack on. This then escalates to his needing a different cartoon put in the DVD player every five minutes. If this doesn't work and I again try to even look in the direction of my laptop he demands that I sit on the floor with him and play with his most coveted toys. The ones no one is EVER allowed to play with; not unless you want an hysterical three year old flailing his arms and legs, screaming at the top of his lungs, "NO! NO! NO!" and lunging at you to retrieve the said toy. It's not pretty, and I've acquired more than a few bruises from my little pint sized ninja. I think I'd rather wrestle the tiger.

Next tactic in his war of jealousy against my laptop - negotiation. He offers to watch one of mommy's shows with her. He normally throws full on tantrums if I demand to watch even one of my shows. And finally, if none of the above work, he climbs up behind me, wraps his arms around my neck, his legs around my waist (I sit on the couch with my laptop) and yanks me back onto the couch giggling and squealing until, exhausted, I give in.

So how am I able to write this blog you ask? Have I locked him in the closet? Duck tapped him to the wall? Slipped something into his lunch? Please, how could you think I would do such a thing to my loving, sweet, adorable little boy? No, he's perfectly fine and happy - playing at grandma's. Ah, the peace...

Need to Find a Good Man???

Let me just start by saying that I truly love my grandfather. He is the epitome of the perfect man. If we could clone men, he should be at the top of the list. And at the present, he is the main male role-model for my son.

Now he seems to have gotten it into his head that he won't be around forever, where he got this idea, I have no idea. I have informed him on numerous occasions that he is strictly forbidden from getting any older. I just can't figure out why he isn't listening to me...

So he has decided that I need to put myself out there more and find a father for my son...what? Are you joking? No, he really isn't. I need a strong man who can take care of me and be a good influence on my son.

Now, if I happen to meet a great guy who wants to step in and be that husband/father, great, I'm not against it. What I can't seem to figure out is the how part...

I'm a single mother, I work full time, and when I'm at home I'm either taking care of my son, cleaning the house, grocery shopping, trying to finish remodeling projects so I can put my itty-bitty little townhouse on the market so we can upgrade to a full size adult home...look at me, I'm growing up! Or...trying to write my book in between all of the above. So unless some amazing man literally throws himself across the hood of my car, I think I might miss him...not intentionally, mind you, but I have a pretty packed life right now. Dating hasn't hit my top 5 list of things I must be doing right now.

Oh, and there's the fact that I don't always play well with others. My home, my stuff, my space, my rules...and I like it that way, at least I do at the moment. I was married for 6 1/2, very painful years and hated it. Of course, if you had to rate where my ex husband would land on the cloning scale...let's just say that our species would become extinct. So that also has a lot to do with my attitude. I just haven't come across any men who I'd like to share my life with.

And then you have the whole online dating phenomena. So not for me (apologies to anyone who has used an online dating service and found mister or misses right), I just can't see myself paying a service with money I don't actually have in the hopes of finding a match that lasts. And I've heard all kinds of complaints that people never got a single match...nope, not my cup of tea.

So the question remains, how does one find a good man? I can't afford a sitter and I really am not into bar hoping or into singles activities even if I could pay for a sitter. I do believe in the law of attraction...so maybe if I just kick back and meditate on mister hotty and rich walking into my life and sweeping me off my feet (and my son) the path will open itself up to me...any thoughts?

Rejuvenating My Characters

I've been jotting down notes here and there about my characters and who they are, but I came across an author's blog regarding characters. She has an amazing character worksheet that she uses BEFORE she starts writing her story. I know I've already written the beginning and finished the basic outline (which I'm already trashing and rewriting as I go along), but her blog made a lot of sense. You should know your characters inside and out before you really get into the actual writing.

So I'm going to put a hold on writing and go back and take a good long look at my main characters. The worksheet poses a number of questions that I hadn't thought of, but if I really want my characters to leap off the page and speak to reader's then I should know the answers to these questions.

In addition, I've been searching for other blogs to subscribe to that can help me advance my writing skills and resources to help as I move along towards eventually publishing my book. Here is a list of the ones I like:
Rachelle Gardner - Literary Agent
Jody Hedlund - Author
Literary MacGregor
Dystel & Goderich Literary Management

Writer's Digest has named Rachelle, MacGregor, and Dystel's blogs as three of the top five literary blogs in 2010. The have a ton of great information, tips, and resources. I know they've been very helpful for me as I begin this process.

Murder In The Emerald Isle - Chapter Two

Okay...chapter two is now up and ready for everyone's scrutiny on my website. You can read it and see the updates on chapter one as well as a short history of the Eolande at: http://caleencanady.yolasite.com/books.php
I hope you all enjoy!