What I'm writing about

My novel takes place in Ireland, my ancestral home. I’ve travelled there once. The first thought that came to me as I’m looking around at the scenery as our bus drives along is how green everything is. But green isn’t even an adequate word for the color. Emerald definitely fits; they come in so many different shades but are all so brilliant and breathtaking. That’s Ireland, breathtaking, brilliant, and otherworldly. I would love to live there, but I don’t so my heroine does.

Aideen Kelly, my heroine, is an Eolande. A race of Fae/human I created. She’s rare because she can call on the element of fire, but above all else she’s just trying to find her place in this world. Struggling just like the rest of us. Her life is disrupted by learning that her elemental gift is more than what she thought and bargained for, and her mother’s killer is now after her.

I enjoy reading paranormal mysteries and romance, but I wanted something different for Aideen. The murderer’s in my series are the Leanansidhe (Lay-nan-shee) or Dark One’s. They were once Eolande, but violence and bloodshed has transformed them into vampiric Fae. Their humanity lost to them, they murder, feed, and cause destruction wherever they go. Not unlike what we are all capable of allowing ourselves to evolve into. If we allow the violence and hatred in our lives to control us, we become no different than those who hurt us. The difficult part, is allowing ourselves to see these monsters for what they were, not what they have become. No one is born evil, we must be taught to hate, as were the Leanansidhe.

Aideen struggles with her gifts – or curses as she begins to see them – loses people she loves, tracks down her mother’s killer, finds her long lost father, and in the end, realizes she has exactly what she has always been searching for: family. She’ll continue to struggle with her elemental gifts and learn about them in future novels, her love interest will grow, her relationship with her father will have its ups and downs, and she’ll be frightened of what the future holds. But this uncertainty will keep her going, keep her moving forward; and as she does, she’ll slowly come to realize what amazing gifts she has in her life.

My novel has vampires and shape shifters, fairies and mystical lands, but I didn’t want the typical vampire or shifter. My vampires aren’t the mysterious, exotic, dangerous creatures from other paranormal novels. You don’t change from being bitten or drained of blood. You change from the hatred and vengeance you allow yourself to feaster within. It isn’t a simple change; you have to literally be consumed by your hatred. This is what creates monsters.

My shifters are the warriors and protectors. They are also Eolande, but rare in that they can shift into an animal. The type depends on their culture. They are called Kailen, and are sent to protect the Eolande with other rare gifts. Aideen and her Kailen, Einar, begin a romance which will continue to grow throughout the series. Something her long lost father will have some difficulty dealing with.

I want my novel to be entertaining, but I also wanted to include life lessons. Sure, you could read it for its entertainment factor alone; but you can also identify with the life struggles and fears, and see deeper into the story, to find different ways of looking at life and the people that find themselves in your path.

So, without giving my entire story away, this is what I’m writing about.

In search for my querencia

Querencia is the place you feel the most secure. I’m 35 years old and am still looking for this illusive place. I’m an artist, an aspiring writer, a mother – but right now none of these places gives me my querencia. My home is cluttered and in desperate need of remodeling; so no querencia there – and dealing with chronic pain insures that I can’t find my security within my own body. So where is it hiding?

I’m not sure how to find it. I don’t even know how to start looking. My life feels so chaotic and cluttered with random thoughts, pain, anger, hopelessness – where do you start? I read blogs and get emails on the law of attraction; the techniques to implement these ideas in your life – but I can’t get it to stick. My thoughts always run back to the negative. Right now, I can’t even imagine being able to dig my way out of this hole. I’ve heard the saying, “Keep saying it until you believe it”, but I can’t even bring myself to say it. I’m asked how I’m doing – I can’t answer that question; there’s just too much.

There are so many things I want in my life; I want to feel better so I can function again, I want to dance again, I want to create again, and I desperately want to write. I have so many ideas and stories running through my head. I have pages of notes and ideas, partial thoughts – but I can’t find my voice. There’s an ache in the middle of my chest that never goes away. It’s like my anxiety, fear, anger, and pain are all tied up in a knot that just sits there in my chest 24/7, waiting for me to feel too overwhelmed so it can wreck havoc with my thoughts and feelings.

I do what I’m told by doctors and therapists; PT, yoga, meditation, take my meds, drink lots of water, get enough sleep. I try to eat right, but my meds screw up my appetite so most foods make me sick. So where in all of this do I find my querencia? I know there are people in this world that have it far worse than I do. Sometimes I feel so petty, but I still can’t get motivated. The house sits in a cluttered mess, laundry doesn’t get done, food goes bad, friends aren’t spoken to, the dog doesn’t get her exercise, the garden isn’t taken care of – and I sit here alone and in pain. How do I stop this cycle? Querencia – where are you?

I'm a writer!

This morning is the first that I’ve actually realized that I can call myself a writer. I’m no longer employed at ASU, my disability has been approved and I have a year to work on myself. To get to the point where I can manage my pain so I can relearn to function on a daily basis, support my family, do my part. But this morning it just hit me – I can write. I’m a writer. I can finish my novel, work on getting an agent, see if I can get published. I don’t have anything standing in my way except myself. And I realize that’s exactly what I’ve been doing for so many months – standing in my own way.

Yes, I have issues with pain, and I can’t sit for long periods of time, and typing makes my fingers cramp up and burn. But nothing says I can’t take a lot of breaks, do some yoga stretches, drink some tea, lie down for a bit – and then go back to it. It may take me longer than I’d prefer, but it doesn’t mean I can’t do it. I just need to try. I can get a tape recorder and record what I want to write if I’m in too much pain. I can do this – I’m a writer.

Mabon

Day and night are in balance again. Time to finish what we’ve started, harvest what we’ve reaped. Honor God/dess, as the year turns towards darkness. A time for family and friends, to give thanks for what we have. Drink wine, toast ourselves and the gods, look forward to the future.

Once, darkness scared us, but now it brings hope. Hope of what will come, of the turning year, of a new start. New ideas, new projects, new hopes, new dreams. Contemplation and meditation on what the future holds for each of us. Our friends, our families, those we love, those we don’t even know.

We control our fates and futures. Now is the time to reflect and rest. Death and re-birth, the cycle of life. Think, honor, and rest. Celebrate, rejoice, and anticipate. The equinox is upon us.

Love of mystery

I want to write mysteries; paranormal mysteries with a bit of romance thrown in for good measure and spice. Life shows me over and over again that things aren’t what they seem. There are layers of events to any situation in life. People come and go from our lives, stresses enter and leave us, we become overwhelmed with work, then something at home explodes, then your kid gets sick, then your grandmother takes a fall and breaks a hip – all within the span of a week. Mysteries are no different. You see a person who solves mysteries, but there are so many layers left untouched if that is the only event you write about. What of their personal life, friends, family, mental stability, love, anger, disappointments, history? There’s so much more to delve into in addition to the actual mystery and those involved. That’s why I want to write mysteries; so I can delve into these layers and write about them. I want to catch a reader off guard so they say to themselves, I didn’t think of that.

I love the research, the ideas just pop out of me as fast as I can type them out sometimes. There are definitely times when it isn’t easy. My hard part is once the research is in place, the basic outline and ideas are there – then I have to start writing the story and dialogue. I don’t want to sound like other writers of the same genre, but at the same time, they’re being published so they obviously know what they’re doing. I read them because I enjoy the stories, and I write down ideas and writing styles I recognize. Things I can try to use in my own writing; in my own voice – hopefully.

I second guess my writing. Is it good enough? Did I say that right? What other words can I use? I’ll reread my writing so many times and edit it to the point of utter exhaustion. Then, when I get back to the actual writing I don’t have anything left to say. I’m trying to stop doing this and just write what’s in me at the moment. I can always go back later to reevaluate the specifics to make sure I’ve said what I want and how I want. And I’m finding that I can try to write an outline for my novel, but stories really do take on a life of their own. I’m 85 pages into my novel; I’m not sure where the ideas come from, I’m just going along trying to keep the dialogue going when a completely new idea pops into my head and I find myself rethinking where I want the story to go, adding new characters, getting more in depth in some areas and cutting others out completely. But at some point I realize I’m over-thinking everything. My original outline is pretty much trashed, but to be honest, I really like where the story is going so I’m going to try as best I can to enjoy the ride. But again, that can be the beauty of mystery. There are so many avenues to travel, so many twists and turns, so many inner stories to discover; trying to create individuals with colorful characteristics that make readers want to read about them. Conflicts that mimic real life so readers can identify with them; love them, hate them. Every character needs an internal struggle to make them real and interesting in addition to what is going on in the story. It can be fun, or utterly frustrating trying to give characters there own separate and uniqueness from the other characters, but that’s the only way to make your story work. Mysteries are great, I love them, and now – for better or worse, in good times and bad - I’m going to write them. I’m a writer.

To ignore...or not to ignore; that is the question

This picture seems to adequately show how things have gone in my life thus far. If there's a problem, we don't speak of it to the person involved, see it for what it really is, or hear the underlying truths of the problems. This needs to STOP! No matter how uncomfortable it makes us. Ignoring the issue doesn't make it go away - it just sits there, festering until it finally bursts and then no one can ignore it any longer. That's kind of what's going on in my life; all the issues I've let fester have burst and I have no choice but to deal with them all at once - to the detriment of my own life.

So what's the best thing to do in this situation? Run at it head on? And if so, where to start...
Or, do I just keep ignoring it and let everyone else think all is well when in fact it isn't?

When you know something is wrong

What do you do when you know something is wrong? Go to all the doctors and specialists, talk to someone, try medications. But what if everything just keeps getting worse? The medications don't work, the doctors can't come up with answers; or the answers they think may be it can't be fixed with a pill. What if the theory is everything is stemming from past traumas? PTSD from childhood abuse, a traumatic pregnancy and delivery, an abusive marriage - all of it comes roaring back in your face and says "Deal with me!" There's a point when all of this starts to affect you physically; chronic pain, migraines, depression, anxiety, weight gain, an inability to concentrate and function. You can't keep your mind on one task, can't remember the simplest things. Tasks that before you could finish in just a few minutes take days. You can't take care of your family, including yourself - and it just never stops.

What do you do? The ache in the middle of your chest never stops, your temper blows at the smallest thing. You procrastinate about everything. You feel like your body and soul are being torn in two. You can't work and have to go on disability. There are so many things you want to do but you just can't get anything done. You hurt so badly that you feel your body has betrayed you. What do you do? How do you even start to dig yourself out of the hole you've fallen in? You've tried everything and know you need to start from within - how do you start? What do you do?