Bad parenting habits: how to break them before they break you

The not so positive habits that can be formed formed over the years of motherhood are plenty; but one of the worst infractions in parenting habits would fall into the category of 'giving in too easily'. Toys, food, play time, bed time; sometimes its just so much easier to let them have their way. That is, in the short term. Long term however, your little habit may have helped to create a little monster.

We love our children dearly, we want them to want for nothing. And we hate to punish our little monsters, but as the years have gone by and their little personalities have grown and begun to shape into who they will become; we see things we do not like. Maybe a slight lack of empathy at times, too demanding at others. Your child feels they should get 'something' every time you walk into a store. Maybe you've allowed the grandparents to overly spoil them, because you can't say no to them either. This has only increased the problem.

So, to be completely honest with ourselves, our bad habits in parenting may be costing our children their selves. Their inner peace, their ability to express themselves in a way that gets positive attention. It's our responsibility to fix this. Our habit did this, and breaking this parenting habit will bring us both out of this little world of chaos. According to Kate Miller-Wilson in her article 'Effects of Bad Parenting on Children' , there are seven ways your children can be affected. Poor social skills, psychological disorders, doing poorly in school, and problems with the law are only some; and no parent wants to see their child go through that.

We have the ability to stop it from happening, but it takes work. It means dealing with some tantrums while your child fights the changes. And if we can survive that brief stage of rebellion, calmer waters will prevail. It may not seem so in the throws of a child screaming and yelling, throwing tantrums and fighting every step of the way. It usually never does, but the first time you say something and your child, totally out of character, just does it, it'll bring tears to any mothers eyes.

Here are some tips to help you break your bad parenting habits:

1) Look at how your child is acting. If you don't like what you see, you need to honestly analyze what you are allowing them to get away with. The truth is, the buck stops with you. It can be incredibly hard to see our own mistakes, but if we want our children to act like the responsible, loving and empathetic little ones of our dreams we need to realize that they act the way we allow them to act.

2) Seek some advice. Our parents weren't lying when they complained how we didn't come with instruction manuals and they did the best they could. Now we are in the same boat. Luckily there are parenting groups, online information and child psychologists who can point us in the right direction. So find what and who works best for you.

3) Be consistent. This is the only way our children will understand that we mean business. Give in once and the whole effort will go up in smoke. Consistency is what children need and crave. When they understand the rules and where the boundaries are everyone can breathe a sigh of relief and start enjoying each other as a family.

4) Make a rewards system. Children respond better to rules and boundaries when they are consistently (there's that word again) told how well they are doing. Whether it's a star chart on the refrigerator so they have something to look at and be proud of or consistent verbal praise and reinforcement (or better yet, do both) of good behavior; your children will have a complete turn around from where they were heading.

It isn't easy breaking habits, but when it will give your child the ability to become a better person. To make their lives easier, to increase the love and communication between yourself and your child, it's worth it. It will always be worth it.

Published on Examiner.com: http://www.examiner.com/article/bad-parenting-habits-how-to-break-them-before-they-break-you

Life Lessons that Speak the Truth Through the Ages

There have been teachers and visionaries from the past whose words continue to hold meaning regardless of when they where originally spoken. It can become increasingly difficult in a world when we are expected to do more in less time to keep these basic life lessons in the forefront of our daily lives. We can fall into the trap of feeling like we have no control of our lives. That others have the power to dictate our present and future. We rush around trying to do as much as possible, blaming others for the negativity we allow them to force upon us. We make excuses for why we don't take care of ourselves and why we can't do anything to turn our lives around. When our life isn't working we continue to do the same things over and over again but wonder why our circumstances don't change. It's time to stop this cycle and really listen to what these teachers have to offer.  

Gandhi was born in 1869 and led India into independence. He inspired national movements of freedom across the world. His techniques were non-violent civil disobedience. Gandhi was one of the great teachers in this world, practicing what he preached in his daily life. When asked to give a message to the people his response would be, "My life is my message".  

Within the evolution of our society, we have lost these principles. It's time to reclaim our lives and regain our balance. These ten words of wisdom are as true today as they where in Gandhi's time: 

Be the change. There are many changes that we may want in our lives, but how often do we recognize that we are the ones that must first change in order for change to happen? We must do away with the thoughts that say the outside world must change before we can. We must be ambassadors to our own change; and as you shall will it, so shall it become. Calm your minds, figure out exactly what changes you want, then begin changing yourself so that you become the change you want. This could happen in small baby steps or large strides, but the how's do not matter. Just do it. See it in your minds eye and become it. Visualize your change and feel it. One day you will wake up and realize your change has already happened. 

What you think you become. This is powerful. It goes back to the Law of Attraction. If you constantly think you're broke, you probably are. If you always believe that others are out to get you at work and sabotage your efforts, that is all you will see. Now this isn't to say that I can simply concentrate on having a million dollars in my bank account and then it will mysteriously appear without any effort on my part beyond visualization. No no. You need to go back to the first word of wisdom "Be the change". If you do not put any effort into what you wish to become, sitting around and waiting for the knock on the door will never happen. Our minds do not know reality from imaginary. So if you are constantly depressed and think you will accomplish nothing in life, you most likely won't. But if you have a positive outlook, think and feel that you can accomplish what you want, and actively be the change you want; nothing can stop you. The right people will appear in your life with the kinds of opportunities you need to further your goals. Attitude is everything. 

Where there is love there is life. Love truly is the key to everything. We need to come to a realization that it does not matter our sex, orientation, color, nationality or religious/spiritual beliefs. We are all connected by nature and nature is the purest form of love. We are all living beings with hearts and souls. We feel pain and heart ache, we feel love and sadness, we feel sorrow and empathy. We are one. Our differences are what make up the beauty of this world we live on. I wouldn't want a world where everyone was the same, that would be far too boring. Our world is like a beautiful quilt with billions of different patches and patterns, colors and designs; all sown together into this patchwork layer that blankets the earth. What more love and beauty could you hope for? So the next time someone lashes out, share some of your love with them because they are the ones that need it the most. Be the change you wish to see in others, and they will eventually follow. They won't be able to help themselves. 

Learn as if you'll live forever. We as human beings are in a constant state of learning, but many of us believe that once the degree is awarded that learning ceases and you know all there is to know. This is a fallacy that will come back to bite you. There is always something new to learn, in and out of the classroom. We are all in a constant state of growth and evolution, even though our bodies age and we eventually pass on to what ever comes next, that is no excuse to cut yourself off from the beauty of knowledge. Many cultures believe in an afterlife or rebirth; wouldn't you need as much knowledge as possible when you pass on to your next existence?  

Your health is your real wealth. Not how many hours you put into your work week, or how much money you have accumulated. Not how large a home you live in or how flashy a car you drive, none of these things show true wealth. Our emotional, physical and spiritual health are our real wealth indicators. You can have all the objects in the world, but be miserable. You can live in an impoverished community and be amazingly happy and content. It has everything to do with how you take care of yourself. If your emotional, physical and spiritual needs are met you can see everything else for what it is, just things. They may hold memories, but memories are ours forever even when the things no longer exist. Take care of yourself and all else will naturally fall into place. 

Have a sense of humor. Life is about joy and love. Mistakes can and will happen along the way. Hurts will come your way; they are all a part of the life experience in our journey through our evolution. We can learn far more from our mistakes and hurts than by our successes. Our mistakes and hurts will lead us to our success if we look and see them as stepping stones along the way. We never fail, we simply learn lessons so we can do things differently the next time. But in all of this, we must have a sense of humor about it. This will keep us from delving too deeply into the mistake or hurt, only causing more mistakes and hurts to come our way. We see them, learn from them, laugh at them, and move on to the next. 

Your life is your message. It's all fine to sit up on a high horse and preach these ideals, but to teach them and live them simultaneously is to be a true teacher of wisdom. To see life through those eyes is something I strive for each and every day. To see love in everything and everyone, to keep these ideals in my life each day, that to me would be true peace. There have been and continue to be too many men and women who preach and scream the words of God or some other prophet, or savior, or gods/goddesses but loose sight of everything in their own daily lives. They become contradictory to all they say they believe in. This is no life to live. Only once you can begin to live your message can you find the inner peace we as humans strive for so much. 

Action expresses priorities. You may say your child comes first, but work late and are never home for dinner all in the name of the almighty dollar. So your child suffers because they need to see you more often. You can't let go of the past hurts and work our your differences with your ex, so your ex is never allowed visitation because you feel it is in the best interest of your child. But your child suffers because they are unable to see both of their loving parents. Your actions express your priorities. In the first, money is more important than quality time. In the second, hurting your ex is more important than the emotional and psychological needs of the child. These people may make excuses to make themselves feel better about what they are doing, but their priorities are warped and unhealthy. In both cases the priority of both parents is probably to do what is right for their child, but their actions contradict everything they are telling themselves. And in both cases and innocent child suffers for it. Really think about your priorities from all points of view. Ask questions, get some advice, and really make the effort to put aside your personal hurts or mistakes and insure your actions are true to your priorities. Don't judge yourself, just learn from it and move forward in your journey. 

Our greatness is in being able to remake ourselves. It is never too late to change our thought process, our diet, our emotional, physical or spiritual health. The point is to learn from our mistakes and hurts. Stop blaming others for all that has been done or said. Take your power back, you are the only one who should be in control of your power. We must see these mistakes and hurts as lessons and challenges on our evolutionary journey. People and circumstances come into our lives to help us learn. Some people are meant to stay longer than others. So the next time you experience anything that isn't comfortable, that makes you upset, sad or angry, try to see what lesson you need to learn from this. How can you be the change so this won't happen again. Make the change, step by step, and remake yourself into the greatness you are meant to be. 

Find yourself in the service of others. You get what you give in this world, this is the natural law. We are meant to experience love and joy in our lives. We can have both by offering of ourselves to others. I'm not saying we all need to dig into our pockets and try to donate to every cause that comes to our door, but what else can you offer? Your time? Your lightly used goods that you'll never wear or use again? Can you carry a case of bottled water in your car and hand these out to the homeless you see asking for handouts along the roadside? Pay it forward. Make an extra sandwich and give it to a homeless person who you see all the time. Help when and where you can. This is the actions of a wise and great person. 

These words of wisdom, these ideals can be difficult to hold close to you when life's frustrations come knocking at your door. Work, kids, carpool, soccer practice, what to make for dinner tonight, someone cutting you off in traffic - the list can go on and on. Striving for these wisdoms doesn't mean that you get to a place where you never experience any of these frustrations and anger, but that you take a much different path in dealing with them. Take enough time to think before you react to situations. Make sure that the things you do in all aspects of your life are holding true to your ideals. If they're not, there's no need to beat yourself up. Just take a deep breath, rethink it, see how you can be the change for the future and move forward. Even the greatest and wisest of teachers had to learn these steps, even they messed up. It gets better over time. You just need to trust in yourself that no matter what obstacles stand in your way you will make it. Love yourself and everything else will fall into place. 

Published on Yahoo!Voices: http://voices.yahoo.com/life-lessons-speak-truth-through-ages-12227430.html

The Wisdom of Forgiveness and Your Health

Have you ever allowed another person's actions to dictate your emotions? Are you angry and bitter every time you think of someone who has wronged you? If so, you're human but also probably living a more stressful and unhealthy life than you need to be. The problem with allowing others to control our emotions is that we cannot control what others do. If someone doesn't live up to our standards and expectations we allow them to destroy our happiness. We think that they have to do something in order to allow us to move forward. This leads to resentment, bitterness and physical and mental health issues. Who wants to live this way? I know I didn't, but realized that that was exactly what I was doing in my first marriage.

It certainly did not happen over night, but it happened. One day I woke up and realized I had given all of my power away. My life was no longer my own. Well, that had to stop. It took time and help from a counselor to rebuild my confidence in myself and take control of my life and my emotions. My marriage didn't survive, but although I contributed my share of mistakes that eventually ended our marriage, so did my ex-husband. And I've come to realize that holding onto all of the lies and betrayals, the unanswered questions and hurts is a waste of time. It does nothing to change the past and only keeps me in that unhealthy place. I would still be allowing him to control my happiness.

I know I'll never get the answers I would like about how our marriage turned out the way it did, and that's okay. I don't require these answers to move forward, to live my life, to raise my son, to find love again, to be happy. I can move on in spite of my past. If you're in a similar place in your life here are a few things that can help you find a healthier path:

1) Talk to someone.
It's hard to let go of past hurts. It doesn't make you a weak person if you ask for help. Friends and family can often times only fuel your anger, having a third party who can give you realistic goals and objectives to help you through the situation can be invaluable.

2) Write it out .
Write it all down, uncensored and raw. Don't hold back. Say everything you wish you could say, ask all the questions, tell them off; what ever you feel like writing. And when you're done, burn it and let it go. Don't let someone else have your power, they're never worth it.

3) Forgive.
Not for them, but for yourself. Forgiveness doesn't mean that what the person did was okay, it means that you have it within yourself to move on and have a happy, healthy life.

Forgiveness is a powerful tool, but it does take time to get to that place. However, the more you practice forgiveness in your life the easier it becomes. I think we have been taught by society that forgiveness means it's alright. That who ever has hurt us can just get away with what they have done . The reality of the situation is that no one gets away with the wrongs and hurts they have perpetuated onto others. There are lessons to be learned and if the other person continues in their negative behavior they will only attract this negativity back into their lives. So find peace in letting go of the hurt and forgiving in order to continue on your own path.

Published by Yahoo!Voices: http://voices.yahoo.com/the-wisdom-forgiveness-health-12220600.html

The Day in the Life of a Bonus Mom

The name step-mother has so many negative connotations. Think back to Snow White or Cinderella. Step-mother's are typically seen as mean and evil, thankfully we don't live in a cartoon. We live in the real world where step-mother's are trying to find a way of being positive parental figures to their step-children without making their mother feel like she is in a competition. This is an extremely difficult balance to maintain, especially if you're in a situation where the children's mother refuses to attempt communication. 

 

As a step-mother (or bonus mom as many step-moms prefer), you aren't just daddy's new wife. You're a mother, a therapist and sounding board for these new little one's who have entered your life. There may come a time when your bonus kids come to you for advice because they're too uncomfortable to go to either parent, or discipline needs to be dished out and their father isn't around. This can be difficult to handle in the beginning. Communication is vital, not just with your husband, but with their mother too. Bonus moms need to know the rules and objectives of both parents so they can give the advice, handle discipline and be the positive role model for the children.  

 

Too many times couples split and one or both become so angry and bitter with the other that the children are unwittingly tossed into the middle. The parents can't see the damage they are doing to the children because they're too angry. This is when the bonus moms can step in and be the calm in the storm for the kids. Some things that bonus moms should keep in mind: 

 

1) The kids must come first. Regardless of what their parents are doing or not doing, it is your responsibility as an adult who chose the life of a bonus mom to keep your emotions under control in front of the children. Take the moral high ground. 

 

2) Never speak ill of the children's mother in front of them. No matter what your feelings may be towards their mother, children never need to hear about it. The loser in these situations will always be the parent or bonus parent who tears down the children's mother or father. 

 

3) You need to show maturity and try to see the other side. You don't have to be best buds with the kids mother, but making an effort to recognize the pain and fears they are probably experiencing can go a long way. Make an effort to communicate with their mother. This may or may not work, but its possible that if you keep that door open their mother may choose to walk through it one day. 

 

4) Find someone to talk to. Talking to your husband will typically only make you more angry because he's just as angry. You'll feel like you're on trial, being analyzed and investigated to try and find some deep dark secrets from your past that don't exist. Having someone uninvolved in the situation to talk to can help you keep the balance.  

 

5) Set down ground rules as soon as possible. Talk to your husband (and their mother if you are able to) about discipline, difficult questions that may come up, school, food restrictions, extra curricular activities and scheduling. These will be the basis of how you handle the situations that arise. 

 

6) Sit down with your own kids and have a discussion. If you have kids of your own, they need to be a part of the discussion. Let them know the rules of the house and what you and your husbands expectations are for all of you. It's important that all of the children come first and no one feels alienated or left out. 

 

7) Let the parents handle the disagreements. This is probably one of the more important items on this list. Don't get involved in the arguments and disagreements of the kids parents. Even if you feel justified in saying your peace; in the end it just isn't worth it. It will only add more fuel to the fire which will blow up in everyone's face (including the kids). You can certainly be there for your spouse and hear him out, but don't join in the argument, let the mediator and courts do their job if the parents are unable to agree. 

 

Being a bonus mom can be difficult and at times painful, but you need to remember that you made a conscious decision to enter into this family and the kids need you. None of the adults involved are going to be completely comfortable with the situation but hopefully that can change with time. Keep the communication going as best you can, remember you are an adult and the kids need to see that, and take the moral high ground; compromising is the key to success. It'll be hard if the parents have a long list of disagreements, but the kids are worth it. You will be an integral part of their lives, even if their mother refuses to admit it. They can either see you as the loving bonus mom you are, or the evil step-mother you allow yourself to become. The choice is yours. 

 

Published on Examiner.com: http://www.examiner.com/article/the-day-the-life-of-a-bonus-mom

Guilty until proven innocent...

I am being censored; guilty until proven innocent. Because of this I have had to remove all personal writings from my blogs and other social media. This is extremely unfortunate and absurd in my opinion that if I have a difficult day, and rather than take it out on those around me, I chose to use writing as a therapeutic form of venting and releasing my frustrations and feelings, I will now have this used against me as if I were some oddity or freak of nature. Because no one else on this planet ever has a bad day, no one else ever has events occur in their lives that makes them feel depressed or angry. So this is what it comes down to. Only my professional writing will appear on my blog from this point forward. There are some people in the world who truly need to grow up and take a hefty dose of reality. Rather than looking for a reason to hate others and cause pain, why not attempt some empathy for once...