The name step-mother has so many negative connotations. Think back to Snow White or Cinderella. Step-mother's are typically seen as mean and evil, thankfully we don't live in a cartoon. We live in the real world where step-mother's are trying to find a way of being positive parental figures to their step-children without making their mother feel like she is in a competition. This is an extremely difficult balance to maintain, especially if you're in a situation where the children's mother refuses to attempt communication.
As a step-mother (or bonus mom as many step-moms prefer), you aren't just daddy's new wife. You're a mother, a therapist and sounding board for these new little one's who have entered your life. There may come a time when your bonus kids come to you for advice because they're too uncomfortable to go to either parent, or discipline needs to be dished out and their father isn't around. This can be difficult to handle in the beginning. Communication is vital, not just with your husband, but with their mother too. Bonus moms need to know the rules and objectives of both parents so they can give the advice, handle discipline and be the positive role model for the children.
Too many times couples split and one or both become so angry and bitter with the other that the children are unwittingly tossed into the middle. The parents can't see the damage they are doing to the children because they're too angry. This is when the bonus moms can step in and be the calm in the storm for the kids. Some things that bonus moms should keep in mind:
1) The kids must come first. Regardless of what their parents are doing or not doing, it is your responsibility as an adult who chose the life of a bonus mom to keep your emotions under control in front of the children. Take the moral high ground.
2) Never speak ill of the children's mother in front of them. No matter what your feelings may be towards their mother, children never need to hear about it. The loser in these situations will always be the parent or bonus parent who tears down the children's mother or father.
3) You need to show maturity and try to see the other side. You don't have to be best buds with the kids mother, but making an effort to recognize the pain and fears they are probably experiencing can go a long way. Make an effort to communicate with their mother. This may or may not work, but its possible that if you keep that door open their mother may choose to walk through it one day.
4) Find someone to talk to. Talking to your husband will typically only make you more angry because he's just as angry. You'll feel like you're on trial, being analyzed and investigated to try and find some deep dark secrets from your past that don't exist. Having someone uninvolved in the situation to talk to can help you keep the balance.
5) Set down ground rules as soon as possible. Talk to your husband (and their mother if you are able to) about discipline, difficult questions that may come up, school, food restrictions, extra curricular activities and scheduling. These will be the basis of how you handle the situations that arise.
6) Sit down with your own kids and have a discussion. If you have kids of your own, they need to be a part of the discussion. Let them know the rules of the house and what you and your husbands expectations are for all of you. It's important that all of the children come first and no one feels alienated or left out.
7) Let the parents handle the disagreements. This is probably one of the more important items on this list. Don't get involved in the arguments and disagreements of the kids parents. Even if you feel justified in saying your peace; in the end it just isn't worth it. It will only add more fuel to the fire which will blow up in everyone's face (including the kids). You can certainly be there for your spouse and hear him out, but don't join in the argument, let the mediator and courts do their job if the parents are unable to agree.
Being a bonus mom can be difficult and at times painful, but you need to remember that you made a conscious decision to enter into this family and the kids need you. None of the adults involved are going to be completely comfortable with the situation but hopefully that can change with time. Keep the communication going as best you can, remember you are an adult and the kids need to see that, and take the moral high ground; compromising is the key to success. It'll be hard if the parents have a long list of disagreements, but the kids are worth it. You will be an integral part of their lives, even if their mother refuses to admit it. They can either see you as the loving bonus mom you are, or the evil step-mother you allow yourself to become. The choice is yours.
Published on Examiner.com: http://www.examiner.com/article/the-day-the-life-of-a-bonus-mom
No comments:
Post a Comment