Day two, I don't feel anything. Not happy, not sad...just nothing. Late last night, I got angry. My husband posted a joking picture on FB and I exploded when I saw it. It wasn't meant as anything...I rationally know that, but I lost it and posted a not very nice response to this picture. In his words...I publicly castrated him. I deleted the comment I made very soon afterwards and apologized to him, but I just lost it. I've even had to go so far as deleting this image from my FB news feed so I won't even have to look at it. I think I prefer the current numbness to the raving lunatic I turned into last night. But now...we're back to numbness.
My husband is worried about me. I understand that. But this is how I'll get at times, dealing with the pain. Dealing with my daily stress. My mind just says, "that's enough, we're shutting down for the day", and this is what I end up with...numb. Well, until I get angry about something...then I really get angry. Then maybe I'll cry...then numb again. Maybe this will last for a day...a week...I don't know. The joys of depression from chronic pain. I wouldn't wish this life on my worst enemy.
I wish I could keep this part of me away from my loved ones, but I don't think that's possible. Eventually, as my husband is just now finding out, I will break and fall apart. He's desperately trying to help me, I know this. We will have a wonderful life together...but no matter how wonderful everything is around me...I'm still in pain. That will never stop, never give me a break. No matter what...it will always be my constant companion. Which makes me feel alone, because I can't fully explain this to anyone. They aren't in the constant pain I'm in...how on earth could I even expect them to understand. In my life, in my pain...I am completely and utterly alone, regardless of how many people are physically around me.
How do I explain this to someone I love with all my heart, but know they'll never really understand?
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