Day 2...the numbness continues

Day two, I don't feel anything. Not happy, not sad...just nothing. Late last night, I got angry. My husband posted a joking picture on FB and I exploded when I saw it. It wasn't meant as anything...I rationally know that, but I lost it and posted a not very nice response to this picture. In his words...I publicly castrated him. I deleted the comment I made very soon afterwards and apologized to him, but I just lost it. I've even had to go so far as deleting this image from my FB news feed so I won't even have to look at it. I think I prefer the current numbness to the raving lunatic I turned into last night. But now...we're back to numbness.

My husband is worried about me. I understand that. But this is how I'll get at times, dealing with the pain. Dealing with my daily stress. My mind just says, "that's enough, we're shutting down for the day", and this is what I end up with...numb. Well, until I get angry about something...then I really get angry. Then maybe I'll cry...then numb again. Maybe this will last for a day...a week...I don't know. The joys of depression from chronic pain. I wouldn't wish this life on my worst enemy.

I wish I could keep this part of me away from my loved ones, but I don't think that's possible. Eventually, as my husband is just now finding out, I will break and fall apart. He's desperately trying to help me, I know this. We will have a wonderful life together...but no matter how wonderful everything is around me...I'm still in pain. That will never stop, never give me a break. No matter what...it will always be my constant companion. Which makes me feel alone, because I can't fully explain this to anyone. They aren't in the constant pain I'm in...how on earth could I even expect them to understand. In my life, in my pain...I am completely and utterly alone, regardless of how many people are physically around me.

How do I explain this to someone I love with all my heart, but know they'll never really understand?

Emotionally Numb

If you ask me how I feel right now...the only answer I have is nothing. Emotionally, I feel absolutely nothing. So what does this mean? My mind/body has hit the massive brick wall of stress. I've shut down because I cannot deal with any more. Our mind is a funny thing I suppose; emotionally I'm numb, physically my body is on fire. Why can't my mind give my body a little of this numbness? I would like to be able to cry, but I can't. How the hell am I going to get my feelings back? Maybe I'll meditate on this little problem and some great and powerful wisdom will reach through the ether of time and space and give me an answer. And while they're at it...a cure for fibro. That would be nice to.

I wish I had a healthier reaction to my stress...but no...lets repress and block it all from the mind, and then stab a million red hot pokers all over the body. Yeah...now that sounds like a good time. You've gotta just love the irony there. But, at least I'm not having a nervous breakdown...yet. Gotta keep your eye on the positive, because my life is getting tossed around like one of my dogs toys when he really gets it into himself to utterly thrash it. And all I can think of...what's next?

Kids and fibro...am I a good mother?

I've seen many comments recently on mother's feeling like they aren't good mother's because of their pain conditions. It keeps us from running and playing with our kids; we can't even begin to try and keep up with them. Many days are spent resting in bed or on the couch. Maybe ten minutes of activity here or there, but we feel inadequate as mothers. But the truth is, we shouldn't. The mere fact that you ask yourself if you are a good mother makes you a good mother. You're willing to take an honest look at yourself. That's a leg up on all the women in this world who feel fine each and every day, and rather than use their health to be with their kids, rather than being grateful that they can run and play with their kids, they push them off on anyone else so they can do other things. I would much rather be the mother I am right now than one of those. Yes, our abilities are different. Yes, we have to severely limit what we physically do, but physical activity is not what we cherish most about our parents as we get older. We cherish the words, the time, the love. Those things are not attached to physical movement, they come from deep within us. The part of us that can't be touched by pain. The part of us that would give their life to save that of our children, to insure they are happy and healthy every day of their lives.

We are good mothers by our words of love to our kids, by the time we spend with them regardless of what we are doing, and by our attitude towards our life and health. The greatest gift we can give our children is to love and care for their mother because we are the only one they will ever have. No one will ever take our place in their hearts. Regardless of our physical abilities, we set an example for our children by who we are as people each and every day. Love yourself. Care for yourself. Be patient with yourself. Be grateful for every day you have that you can tell your children you love them. Be honest with them. They can understand far more than we think they can. I can guarantee every mother who suffers from this disease, your children will love you in spite of your medical conditions. They will see you for who you are deep within your heart and soul. Just don't shut them out.

We are amazing mothers, capable of amazing feats and strengths that far exceed that of the average mother because of our conditions. And we are raising amazing kids who will learn through us to be loving and empathetic to all human beings regardless of their physical abilities. This is a life lesson we are uniquely suited to teach, which makes each of us one of the best mothers on this earth.

Fibromyalgia

 

I was diagnosed with fibro about a year ago, but my symptoms have been coming on for the last 5 years. I'm on long-term disability because of the severity of my daily pain. I miss the girl I used to be. She was a dancer. She danced professionally in a tribal bellydance troupe, did fire dancing, latin/ballroom dancing, yoga, pilates and zumba every week. She would exhaust people just telling them what her weekly schedule looked like. But then something happened and everything changed. Her body betrayed her and she died; I was born in her place. I weight 50lbs more than she did, my hair is frizzier, my memories are a little worse for wear so I keep my notebook on me at all times. I can't stay active like she did. I'm lucky if I can take a long walk to just keep my muscles moving. I tried to keep working, but as my pain levels increased, everything I used to be able to do slowly faded into a misty, depressing memory. I'm now on long-term disability which will run out this October. I'm trying to take stock of how I feel right now. Do I think I'm capable of handling a regular work schedule? No. Do I think my pain levels are/will decrease in the near future? No, they have been slowly increasing in level. But because of the stigma surrounding my diagnosis, do I have the right to request permanent disability? Is it right? Half the medical profession doesn't seem to take it seriously, so how can I say that I don't feel like I can or will be able to work in the future when the medical profession still sees FMS as a "fake" disease, only in the head of the patient.

Thoughts, feelings, comments, advice? I'd be interested in seeing them.

Thanks and Blessed Be!
Cali

Love and Marriage is not easy, but like we say about kids...it's so worth it.

I was reading Laurell Hamilton's new blog on love and marriage, http://www.laurellkhamilton.org/2013/01/true-love-is-hard-work/, and I have to agree completely with what she has said. I to was in a young first marriage that grew in two very opposite directions in a very nasty way. It took me far too long to let it go, but I finally did. Then I swore off marriage like it was the plague. And life continued for the next six years, until I met Paul, my second husband. We've both come from long term relationships that grew in opposite directions and couldn't be reconciled. We're older now, hopefully a little wiser. I've seen all the stats on success rates of second marriages, but I really thing those stats are referring to those who are trying for the cookie cutter serial marriages. Those simply will never work.

My first and second marriages are nothing alike. We're older, we've grown. We know better what it is that we really want, what we don't want, and what would be an absolute deal breaker in the relationship. My husband is convinced he must have earned some massive karmic reward to get me as a wife...and I keep thinking I must have won the lottery to get a man as wonderful as him. His confidence in life is infectious, but also a little intimidating at times. I'm not that confident, so I'm hoping he can teach me how he does it. He can keep a much cooler head than I can, something that has probably served him well throughout his life. Something I could definitely use in my life. He doesn't question my loyalty, fidelity, honesty. He trusts what I do, the end. There's none of the drama from marriage #1. Who was I with, why, for how long, who else was there, did they talk to you, did you do anything "else". Coming home to an Inquisition was never fun, especially when you find out that you should have been the one Inquisitioning.

My husband and I are still working on what we need to do before I can move to Canada. We're going to have to live apart for a few more months, and he's never even questioned me about anything; and I don't feel the need to question him either. It's such a liberating feeling to be able to toss that weight off my shoulders of matrimony. I'm sure there will be so much more that I'll be able to toss away, and that he'll be able to toss away from our previous relationships. Our marriage is all new and bright and shiny. I won't let the ex's tarnish what we have together. They no longer have that kind of power over either of us.

I want us to fix any issues and overcome challenges that come into our lives, but never throw it away. My husband is too precise to me to do that. I know we'll have disagreements, they're bound to happen, but we'll be able to work through them rather than screaming and yelling, slamming doors and running into someone else's arms for comfort. That kind of life died years ago and I have no room for that now. Life really is so short. I'm not wasting my remaining time dwelling on the petty insignificant crap that comes up. Just let it roll, pick myself up, dust off, take my husbands hand, and keep moving forward. I've definitely found one of the good ones. He'll do the romantic stuff, but he'll also roll up his sleeves and sludge through the muck with me until we find what we need to keep moving forward. He is my soul mate. It didn't take long at all for me to feel that, to realize it was true, and that he felt the same. Some, well, most think we're completely crazy for diving in the way we have. All I can say is, I never felt more right about anything in my life. I decided to wholly listen to my sixth sense on this one, and she's screaming that I need to grab on to this one and never let him go. So that is exactly what I've done. I've found that someone who will travel the bumpy roads with me, always holding my hand. Pulling me along when I need it, and I'll do the same for him. But in the end, we'll have travelled our road side by side, always and forever.

Gratitude

Dear Universe,

I've realized that I'm not grateful enough for what I have in my life. I get so wrapped up in the daily issues, struggles and challenges that I let all the good things slip away from me. I struggle with pain on a daily basis, I deal with family stress every week, I'm trying to take care of my son alone, I'm trying to stay on a budget and still take care of the emergencies that inevitably pop up when I can't afford them, I live in a home that I constantly feel is too cluttered, dirty, and unfinished. It never seems to stop, and I don't stop to think about what I have that is good. I do have good things in my life, I really do. I just can't seem to keep them in the front of my mind on any regular basis. Then I find that because I've allowed the struggles to take precedence in my life, I can't seem to put any real feeling behind what I think I should be grateful for.

I love my son. I'm grateful that he's healthy and strong, that he's loving and kind; but at the same time I'm exhausted and just need a break, or to lapse into a coma for a few weeks. There's a weight in my chest that just won't ease up.

I should be grateful that I have a home, a roof over my head with electricity, heating, cooling and running water; but all I think about is that this isn't "my" home. It belongs to family and I desperately need to get out from under the pressure and stress that comes with that.

I have clothing, food, water, air to breath, sun to warm me, doctors to help me, a car to get me around, income to support myself...but I just feel that weight pressing down on me.

I'm grateful for my husband. He's like my light at the end of the tunnel. He showed up in my life when I needed him the most. He loves me, cherishes me and tells me how amazing I am every day. Even though I'm not quite sure what I do that makes me so amazing to him. I'm so grateful that he's in my life. We're going to build a home together, a life together, he's my better half. I hear is voice and I relax a little. The weight isn't so heavy as long as I can hear his voice. I have every phone message he's ever left for me saved to my phone so I can hear him any time I want. Even if I wake up at 3:00 am and need to hear his voice, I can.

I want the weight to keep lifting. I think as long as I have him in my life it will. So thank you, for my life, my son, all the conveniences that make my life easier to manage, all the people who care for me and support me, and most of all, thank you for sending my husband into my life when I needed him the most.

Thank you.

Trying

Have you ever just taken the time to really look at the people that pass through your life and how they affect you? Even if its only for a moment, you can get an idea about the kind of person they are. Are they happy, sad, angry, tense, scared. Those moments can tell you a lot about the person. I think that most people have the basic belief that you get in this world what you give to it, but do we really act like we believe this? I don't think so. We all want to be happy, but when we're presented with the opportunity to give that emotion out to the world we pull back. We yell at the driver that just cut us off in traffic rather than just slowing down and letting them go on their way. We let everyone else's negative actions and emotions dictate our present state of being. The driver was obviously in a hurry for some reason we will never know. They may have been upset about something and let it affect their driving. They could have been rushing to the hospital to see a loved one...we'll never know. But that person was putting out negative emotions, and that person will have to deal with the negative consequences in some form or other. But we've just allowed ourselves to be sucked into their negativity...so in essence we get to share their negative consequences. We're now tense and angry. We can feel it in our body, making our neck and shoulders ache. We might cut someone off ourselves...and the negative emotional train wreck is now trying to reach out and grab someone else. Hopefully they'll make a more positive decision and just slow down a bit, take a deep breath and continue on their way. But if they don't, the cycle continues.

Why do we let such insignificant actions by others dictate who we are? I've watched people who are just angry all the time. They're the type that are never happy with anything, snaps at you unexpectedly for various reasons you can never understand, and no matter what happens they're complaints are never ending. These people can literally suck the life right out of you...but only if you let them. They have a cycle of misery surrounding them that they have allowed themselves to become so entrenched in, they couldn't find the way out if you were shining the light and holding a big neon sign to the emotional exit door. They've made that choice whether they want to realize it or not. But even if we aren't the angry person in the corner, we still allow others to affect us to such an extent that it affects our lives, our health, our family, our time. Why? We can't control others actions, so why do we let them change us? We are selfish to think others should be and think as we do so we don't get upset...which is essentially what we're doing when we get so upset with others for not following our own ways of behaving.

I've had so many people walk into my life who are angry. Some as if they are almost rotting on the inside; an infection that they can't just take a pill and get rid of. I've allowed them to infect my own life, dragging me down to their level of anger, frustration and defensiveness. I didn't realize it until those people were no longer in my life. Whether family, friends, co-workers or acquaintances, I've come to realize that I've allowed this to happen and I don't actually need to. I can allow others, regardless of how close they are to me, to be who they are and refuse to let that affect my well-being.
They can be as angry and negative as they want, I don't need to duplicate that behavior in myself. I wish they would realize the damage they are doing to themselves; that their negativity has very destructive consequences. But I can't make them see that. I can only make sure that it doesn't affect me in a similar manner.

I'm trying. It isn't always easy, and I slip and find myself reacting to what others do. But I try to keep my mind open and realize what's happening. Take a deep breath, relax and remember that I don't have to follow in their footsteps. I don't want to be that person that bemoans life every time I'm asked how I'm doing. I don't want to spew negativity at everything that crosses my path. I have a family. A husband, kids...I don't want them to feel like that is the kind of person I am. I don't want my kids to feel like negativity is normal. It isn't. It's unnatural for negative emotions to rule your life, that's why it has so many horrible physical consequences. If it was natural, it would feel good. I want my kids to know that they don't have to react the second someone says or does something upsetting. They can stop and think about what is happening, how it's making them feel and how they want to react rather than reacting instantly with anger.  We all have a choice and I'm trying to make the right choice for myself and the ones I love the most in my life.