Love and Marriage is not easy, but like we say about kids...it's so worth it.

I was reading Laurell Hamilton's new blog on love and marriage, http://www.laurellkhamilton.org/2013/01/true-love-is-hard-work/, and I have to agree completely with what she has said. I to was in a young first marriage that grew in two very opposite directions in a very nasty way. It took me far too long to let it go, but I finally did. Then I swore off marriage like it was the plague. And life continued for the next six years, until I met Paul, my second husband. We've both come from long term relationships that grew in opposite directions and couldn't be reconciled. We're older now, hopefully a little wiser. I've seen all the stats on success rates of second marriages, but I really thing those stats are referring to those who are trying for the cookie cutter serial marriages. Those simply will never work.

My first and second marriages are nothing alike. We're older, we've grown. We know better what it is that we really want, what we don't want, and what would be an absolute deal breaker in the relationship. My husband is convinced he must have earned some massive karmic reward to get me as a wife...and I keep thinking I must have won the lottery to get a man as wonderful as him. His confidence in life is infectious, but also a little intimidating at times. I'm not that confident, so I'm hoping he can teach me how he does it. He can keep a much cooler head than I can, something that has probably served him well throughout his life. Something I could definitely use in my life. He doesn't question my loyalty, fidelity, honesty. He trusts what I do, the end. There's none of the drama from marriage #1. Who was I with, why, for how long, who else was there, did they talk to you, did you do anything "else". Coming home to an Inquisition was never fun, especially when you find out that you should have been the one Inquisitioning.

My husband and I are still working on what we need to do before I can move to Canada. We're going to have to live apart for a few more months, and he's never even questioned me about anything; and I don't feel the need to question him either. It's such a liberating feeling to be able to toss that weight off my shoulders of matrimony. I'm sure there will be so much more that I'll be able to toss away, and that he'll be able to toss away from our previous relationships. Our marriage is all new and bright and shiny. I won't let the ex's tarnish what we have together. They no longer have that kind of power over either of us.

I want us to fix any issues and overcome challenges that come into our lives, but never throw it away. My husband is too precise to me to do that. I know we'll have disagreements, they're bound to happen, but we'll be able to work through them rather than screaming and yelling, slamming doors and running into someone else's arms for comfort. That kind of life died years ago and I have no room for that now. Life really is so short. I'm not wasting my remaining time dwelling on the petty insignificant crap that comes up. Just let it roll, pick myself up, dust off, take my husbands hand, and keep moving forward. I've definitely found one of the good ones. He'll do the romantic stuff, but he'll also roll up his sleeves and sludge through the muck with me until we find what we need to keep moving forward. He is my soul mate. It didn't take long at all for me to feel that, to realize it was true, and that he felt the same. Some, well, most think we're completely crazy for diving in the way we have. All I can say is, I never felt more right about anything in my life. I decided to wholly listen to my sixth sense on this one, and she's screaming that I need to grab on to this one and never let him go. So that is exactly what I've done. I've found that someone who will travel the bumpy roads with me, always holding my hand. Pulling me along when I need it, and I'll do the same for him. But in the end, we'll have travelled our road side by side, always and forever.

Gratitude

Dear Universe,

I've realized that I'm not grateful enough for what I have in my life. I get so wrapped up in the daily issues, struggles and challenges that I let all the good things slip away from me. I struggle with pain on a daily basis, I deal with family stress every week, I'm trying to take care of my son alone, I'm trying to stay on a budget and still take care of the emergencies that inevitably pop up when I can't afford them, I live in a home that I constantly feel is too cluttered, dirty, and unfinished. It never seems to stop, and I don't stop to think about what I have that is good. I do have good things in my life, I really do. I just can't seem to keep them in the front of my mind on any regular basis. Then I find that because I've allowed the struggles to take precedence in my life, I can't seem to put any real feeling behind what I think I should be grateful for.

I love my son. I'm grateful that he's healthy and strong, that he's loving and kind; but at the same time I'm exhausted and just need a break, or to lapse into a coma for a few weeks. There's a weight in my chest that just won't ease up.

I should be grateful that I have a home, a roof over my head with electricity, heating, cooling and running water; but all I think about is that this isn't "my" home. It belongs to family and I desperately need to get out from under the pressure and stress that comes with that.

I have clothing, food, water, air to breath, sun to warm me, doctors to help me, a car to get me around, income to support myself...but I just feel that weight pressing down on me.

I'm grateful for my husband. He's like my light at the end of the tunnel. He showed up in my life when I needed him the most. He loves me, cherishes me and tells me how amazing I am every day. Even though I'm not quite sure what I do that makes me so amazing to him. I'm so grateful that he's in my life. We're going to build a home together, a life together, he's my better half. I hear is voice and I relax a little. The weight isn't so heavy as long as I can hear his voice. I have every phone message he's ever left for me saved to my phone so I can hear him any time I want. Even if I wake up at 3:00 am and need to hear his voice, I can.

I want the weight to keep lifting. I think as long as I have him in my life it will. So thank you, for my life, my son, all the conveniences that make my life easier to manage, all the people who care for me and support me, and most of all, thank you for sending my husband into my life when I needed him the most.

Thank you.

Trying

Have you ever just taken the time to really look at the people that pass through your life and how they affect you? Even if its only for a moment, you can get an idea about the kind of person they are. Are they happy, sad, angry, tense, scared. Those moments can tell you a lot about the person. I think that most people have the basic belief that you get in this world what you give to it, but do we really act like we believe this? I don't think so. We all want to be happy, but when we're presented with the opportunity to give that emotion out to the world we pull back. We yell at the driver that just cut us off in traffic rather than just slowing down and letting them go on their way. We let everyone else's negative actions and emotions dictate our present state of being. The driver was obviously in a hurry for some reason we will never know. They may have been upset about something and let it affect their driving. They could have been rushing to the hospital to see a loved one...we'll never know. But that person was putting out negative emotions, and that person will have to deal with the negative consequences in some form or other. But we've just allowed ourselves to be sucked into their negativity...so in essence we get to share their negative consequences. We're now tense and angry. We can feel it in our body, making our neck and shoulders ache. We might cut someone off ourselves...and the negative emotional train wreck is now trying to reach out and grab someone else. Hopefully they'll make a more positive decision and just slow down a bit, take a deep breath and continue on their way. But if they don't, the cycle continues.

Why do we let such insignificant actions by others dictate who we are? I've watched people who are just angry all the time. They're the type that are never happy with anything, snaps at you unexpectedly for various reasons you can never understand, and no matter what happens they're complaints are never ending. These people can literally suck the life right out of you...but only if you let them. They have a cycle of misery surrounding them that they have allowed themselves to become so entrenched in, they couldn't find the way out if you were shining the light and holding a big neon sign to the emotional exit door. They've made that choice whether they want to realize it or not. But even if we aren't the angry person in the corner, we still allow others to affect us to such an extent that it affects our lives, our health, our family, our time. Why? We can't control others actions, so why do we let them change us? We are selfish to think others should be and think as we do so we don't get upset...which is essentially what we're doing when we get so upset with others for not following our own ways of behaving.

I've had so many people walk into my life who are angry. Some as if they are almost rotting on the inside; an infection that they can't just take a pill and get rid of. I've allowed them to infect my own life, dragging me down to their level of anger, frustration and defensiveness. I didn't realize it until those people were no longer in my life. Whether family, friends, co-workers or acquaintances, I've come to realize that I've allowed this to happen and I don't actually need to. I can allow others, regardless of how close they are to me, to be who they are and refuse to let that affect my well-being.
They can be as angry and negative as they want, I don't need to duplicate that behavior in myself. I wish they would realize the damage they are doing to themselves; that their negativity has very destructive consequences. But I can't make them see that. I can only make sure that it doesn't affect me in a similar manner.

I'm trying. It isn't always easy, and I slip and find myself reacting to what others do. But I try to keep my mind open and realize what's happening. Take a deep breath, relax and remember that I don't have to follow in their footsteps. I don't want to be that person that bemoans life every time I'm asked how I'm doing. I don't want to spew negativity at everything that crosses my path. I have a family. A husband, kids...I don't want them to feel like that is the kind of person I am. I don't want my kids to feel like negativity is normal. It isn't. It's unnatural for negative emotions to rule your life, that's why it has so many horrible physical consequences. If it was natural, it would feel good. I want my kids to know that they don't have to react the second someone says or does something upsetting. They can stop and think about what is happening, how it's making them feel and how they want to react rather than reacting instantly with anger.  We all have a choice and I'm trying to make the right choice for myself and the ones I love the most in my life.

Texan Stupidity and Guns

I was shocked when I read this on Facebook. There is actually someone so completely ignorant and stupid that they are trying to file legislation to “protect the Second Amendment”. And of course this moron is a State Representative in Texas. Ok, let’s just calm down…the Second Amendment isn’t in danger of being revoked. It will NEVER be revoked because we as a people do and always will have the right to own a hand gun or rifle. Now, let’s try for a moment to use some common sense. What was the reason for semi-automatic military grade weapons creation??? Can we say…FOR THE MILITARY IN TIMES OF WAR. There is absolutely NO reason for any civilian to own or use this kind of weapon. Its ONLY purpose is to shoot as many things as possible as quickly as possible, for say, I don’t know, killing the enemy in war…  This argument that is raging across the United States is ridiculous. You want a gun, fine, go get one. But you don’t need a semi-automatic weapon. Those are for military use ONLY. They never should have been made available to the civilian public in the first place. These are the kinds of weapons being used to slaughter innocent children. How can you as a human being say it’s okay and right to continue to sell these kinds of weapons?

No, we will never get rid of all the semi-automatic weapons out there, there will always be illegal weapons available on the black market; but that is not an excuse for turning a blind eye to this very serious issue. And that is exactly what these gun totting morons are doing; making petty excuses that will only cause additional innocent deaths. The slaughter of children is nothing to make excuses about, you act, you do something – anything – that could in any way help stop this from ever happening again. We as a nation will never completely stop these kinds of horrendous acts from ever happening again, common sense tells us that because there are some very sick, horrible people in this world. But that isn’t a good enough excuse to just turn our backs on the fact that we are allowing these kinds of weapons to circulate in the public.

So, what if by making gun legislation that makes the sale and ownership of semi-automatic weapons illegal and punishable by the law, we make it so even one sociopath is unable to get their hands on one of these kinds of weapons. And by doing so, we save even one innocent soul from being ripped from their loved ones too soon. We did our job! The end. The absolutely appalling and disturbing opinion that we need to not only own our own hand guns and rifles, but need to blow things away with a semi-automatic because that’s our “right” will NEVER out way the RIGHT we have to protect our children and loved ones from sociopaths who are trying to get their hands on our semi-automatic weapons. I agree 100% with President Obama on this one. Get your priorities straight!!!

Finding love...moving on

 

Ok, so I fell in love. I eloped. My family is upset. I live in Arizona, my husband lives in Canada. So will I by the end of this year. It's somewhat difficult to accurately explain how I feel because I've never experienced this before. We met online, just "Hi, how are you?" It wasn't meant to turn into love, into marriage; at least not within a couple of months. But it did. The more we spoke the harder I fell. It feels right, natural, what I'm supposed to do. I'm not scared or worried about the future. I suppose I should be because we haven't known each other very long. It feels like we've known each other all of our lives. We just clicked; flowed into each other's lives so naturally. We have similar interests, similar hobbies; our views on life, marriage, kids, all of it, works. We've both come out of long term relationships and weren't looking for love. It just sort of found us. Maybe we loved each other in a past life, or lives. How else can I explain how natural and comfortable I am with him? There’s no modesty, no “best behavior” crap; just us, being together, loving each other. I start to text him, and he’s already typing me a message. We think of each other at the same time. I feel healthy with him near me. The pain is there, but it eases; begins to relax a little. Maybe it will finally begin to fade. He can touch me whereas anyone else would make me wince in pain. I didn’t marry him because I’m lonely. I was. I won’t deny that, but I could have found someone who lived in the same state if all I wanted was someone around. I didn’t marry him to get away from anything or anyone; I’m not trying to run away from this life. I want to take my life and evolve it into something more. I want more. I deserve more. And I found more, in Canada. He makes me feel like I’m the most precious woman on this earth. Beautiful, smart, sexy…the whole package, which I know I’m not, but when he’s around, I feel it. I don’t hide things from him that I normally would with other men. I built a wall around my heart after my divorce. No one would ever get that close to me again…ever. Men were good for sex, but that was about it; until I met my future husband. My wall didn’t just crumble, but came down in one mighty whoosh of hurricane strength destruction. Blocks and debris scattered from here to the other side of the world. There’s no chance of ever rebuilding that wall, and I don’t want to. Not with him. I get excited when he calls, I run for my phone when I hear a text come through. I desperately miss him now that he has returned to Canada. I have 3 weeks to wait until I can fly up to see him. He’s my best friend; I want to tell him everything about me, everything that happens to me, everything I’m thinking about. It doesn’t matter how dumb it may sound, I know he won’t make fun of me. I trust him with everything; I know he will never do anything to lose my trust, my respect, and my love. I feel complete with him in my life. I haven’t been happy where I’m at for a very long time, I can see happiness again with him; in his misty blue eyes, his warm smile; I can see it, lying there just waiting for me to reach out and take it. I’m tired of sticking around because I feel I need to for others. Now I’m doing this strictly for me. I may not have known him long, but I know him enough to know he is the one, this is right, and I’m going to do this. He is my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my soul mate, my love from lives past, the man who will be a father to my son, my life, my husband. I love him with all of my heart and soul, and I will do anything to keep this amazing man in my life. We have both agreed, our first relationships were simply the test run; now we're ready for the real thing.