Feeling your purpose

It's hard to not have a rough morning when you suffer from chronic pain. Every second is a trial and testament to our courage and strength to continue. But I can see the lose in so many, hear it in their words, see it in their eyes. I see it in my own mirror. It's heart wrenching to think that my life comes down to this. I had a really great career that I loved. I'm really good at what I do and I was going places. My son and I were really starting to connect and have fun together. My side hobby was dancing. I performed professionally in a tribal bellydance troupe throughout the state. I loved it. I was active, strong, organized. I knew what I wanted and how I was going to reach my goals. But things changed. I gained weight uncontrollably that the doctors couldn't explain. Then chronic fatigue hit and I slowly had to let go of all my physical activities and officially leave my troupe. The migraines became worse. They had been there on and off since highschool. Then insomnia and finally, the pain started. Just in my back at first. So I decided to get regular massages. They didn't help, in fact, my pain kept increasing. My next step was a chiropractor. She put me on a regimen of chiropractic work, massage, acupuncture, physical therapy and using a tens unit. It sounded like a good plan to me, but the pain continued to increase until no one could even touch me. So I went to my doctor who immediately gave my narcotic pain killers. That didn't end well, and I found a new doctor.

Now, after trying every non-narcotic pain medication there is out there I'm on two different ones that help 'a little bit'. But my doctor is out of options. I've seen all the specialists, they all agree on the treatments I've received thus far. But now I'm back to square one. I'm going to look for a pain specialist and see if there are other options available. Do we simply have to deal with taking stronger medications that will cause addictions? I'm at a lose. I'd like to try acupuncture again. I'm also trying Ayurveda herbs (Ashwagandha in particular) and looking more into trying gluten free again. I'm really not sure I have a lot of options left to me, but I'll never stop looking.

My story seems to mimic so many. Gone through multiple doctors, been thoroughly used as a guinea pig for every medication known to man. And you're still waiting for that pill, that exercise, that stimulant that, may not totally take away the pain, but definitely decrease it to a more manageable level.

I see the lose, but I also see determination in the creased brows and firm lips, the pinched checks, and exclamations of hope. Every day we wake up, every day we take one more step closer to finding our answers to our conditions. This is a war we are all fighting, for many it is a very long war. But we must remember that a war cannot be won in a day. We must take on each battle as they come our way. Eventually, eventually there will be an end for each of us. Better medications, supplements, homeopathy, doctors, research, therapies...something. It could be different for each of us, but we'll all get there. We have to, because we're here for a reason, and that reason is NOT to live in constant pain and watch our lives fall apart around us. No god would ever condone such a life sentence. We are meant to find our answers to this so we can live productive lives. So we can feel our purpose.

I know all to well how impossible it seems to keep fighting when depression and anxiety reaches its gnarled hands up from the depths of the earth and grab ahold of you. It feels like the world is no longer a place you want to be. You question how you can keep doing this, day after day, with no relief. You question whether you are more of a burden to your family and if they would be better off without you. But I've found that these things aren't me, they're just the depression trying to use me as some kind of puppet to spew its filth and vile hatred. And yes, we have all succumbed to it at times. But eventually we have each crawled out of that hole and back into the light again. For our partners, for our children, for our family, for our jobs, for our friends. We fight our way back because they do need us.

This isn't an easy journey. But its a journey that has already proven how remarkably strong we all are, or we wouldn't be here right now. Our strength lies in our courage to wake up each day and keep going, to try again. And every day we get a little closer to the end. We may not see it until we're literally on top of it, but its coming. So the next time we wake up and know from the start that its going to be a rough morning/day, just take a minute to slow down, close your eyes and place your hand over your heart. Feel it. It keeps beating. That's your purpose. Feel it. Be it. Never give up hope. Brightest Blessings!