I read an article today that really made me think about the differences I've gone through from an healthy person, to one with sickness (http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/). I took so much for granted before I was diagnosed with FM. We all do. Every task has so many steps that we don't even think about. We need to decide each day; will I clean or will I eat, if I have to drive my son to school, what do I have to give up? We do what is of upmost importance, and the rest just has to wait until another day. And the article is right, when we spend time with friend or family, you're given a gift because we chose you as one of our utmost important things that day. We gave you a piece of ourselves just to be around you. That means a lot for us.
Pre-FM I thought a lot about the future; my future career, car, home, family, relationships, etc., etc., etc. But now - I look around my home and all I see is so much unnecessary stuff. Just things that are absolutely meaningless. I want uncomplicated and simple; it makes my day's easier that way. And now, I think more of the now then I do the future. Don't get me wrong, I do make financial plans regarding the future because that's just smart planning, but my life is now in the present. I can't live in the "what will be". I can only live in the now, because I don't know what my tomorrow will be.
Will I be able to walk? Will I be able to see? Will my pain leave me bed ridden? Could I end up with additional medical conditions that will complicate everything I'm already going through? The answer to all of these questions is most likely yes. I don't know how much longer I'll have to be able to get up and take care of my son, I don't know if my eyes are going to continue to blur to the point that I can no longer see. I don't know if my pain levels will continue to increase as they have been over the past few weeks. None of these are good signs, so I need to be especially grateful for each and every little thing I have in the now. Not in the future...just right this second. Because I have no idea if this is the last second I may have.
I'm not trying to be pessimistic or scare my family and friends, I'm just being realistic. I have a condition that in most will continue to progress and gets worse over time. So in order to prepare for the future, I need to live, NOW.
It bothers me when old friends say they will keep in touch and don't. Say they will call and don't. I miss them, but I don't have the energy to go to them. I can't give my half to a relationship any more...and that really bothers me. I don't know what to do about it.
I'm not saying that planning for the future is pointless, because it really isn't. I guess what I'm saying is that the next time you think about all the great things you'll do/see/be in the future...step back and think about all the great things you do, you see, and you are, right now. Because in the end, that is what really counts.
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