Siblings Sleeping in Sin?

Published on Examiner.com / November 19, 2013

What do you see when you look at the above picture? Love, comfort, peacefulness? Does it look cute, adorable or sweet? Some would say yes, of course. Some however, see a very different picture. They see 2 siblings of the opposite sex curled up together in the same bed. This is wrong, incestuous, perverted. When exactly in our culture did this shift occur? When did the sight of a bed turn from comforting and restful to something dirty and sinful? When did it become unnatural for our children to find comfort from closeness to one another?

According to anthropologists the idea of privacy and what was deemed appropriate and inappropriate regarding sleeping arrangements began changing in the 19th century. Homes became larger and families could have their own space. Although even to this day, it is mostly 'white America' that holds such strict and puritanical views on co-sleeping. Prior to this time all families co-slept. For most cultures the thought of not having your infant in bed with you or siblings all sharing a bed for comfort and closeness is abhorrent. They would look down on the parents who wouldn't allow this; feeling sorry for the children. So what caused this change?

The Puritans are all resting peacefully in their graves, why have their overly strict and ridiculous beliefs not been laid to rest with them? Religion plays a huge role in addition to the economic development of 'white America'. With larger homes families could spread out more. This wasn't for 'appropriateness' but simply as a social status. But along with this came a disconnection with the family unit. That once shared closeness faded into the past and seemed odd or uncomfortable to be in such close proximity to ones own family members. Nannies and wet nurses were employed to care for newborns and young children so mothers no longer had that bond with their children. Many faiths were already preaching of sin within our own bodies and certainly within our sexuality. Closeness to anyone of the opposite sex, regardless of age, was viewed as scandalous and sexual in nature, it made no difference if that was true or not.

Society and cultures have swayed back and forth over the past century on its overall view of family closeness and co-sleeping, and great strides have been made and will continue to be made. It's unfortunate that our own generation and that of our children have to deal with such absurdity but it's there - it must be dealt with. Parents in some states and providences actually have to keep it secret if they co-sleep out of fear of having their children removed from the home. Parents lose custody rights every day because of these out-dated and frankly, family destroying ideas.

Children with no knowledge of sex or sexuality yet make innocent gestures or 'play doctor' and parents freak out, convinced that their child has witnessed something inappropriate. Why does this have to be the immediate reaction? For arguments sake, what if they did see something? A couple kissing, a caress, a hug. Is that so wrong? Our bodies were designed to enjoy each other's closeness and sexuality. Or did the creator (creators/creatress - dependent on your belief system) make a mistake when human beings evolved into what we are today? Why create all of our erogenous zones if they weren't meant to be used for our enjoyment and pleasure? Adults have an annoying habit of over-sexualizing everything from children playing to cartoons. Have you ever watched one of your favorite childhood cartoons to realize as an adult that it's full of sexual innuendo's? As a child you had no idea about any of this, only as an adult do you see any of it - and cartoons are created by adults. So what does this say about our own sexual insecurities?

Children have to grow up so quickly. What do you want to be when you grow up? You need to learn to behave and follow the rules. Don't do that, don't say that, don't be that - do this, do that. It never ends for some children - why throw sex into the mix when they can barely spell their own names yet let alone tell you about sex and what it's for or how it should feel? Now, if they ask then it's time to sit down and tell them in an age appropriate way. By age appropriate, tell them in a way that is understandable for them. But if they aren't asking then there's no reason to go there. This does not mean however, that showing affection should be out-lawed in your home on the off chance that it will bring about questions. Questions are a good thing; at times uncomfortable for the parents, but a good thing overall.

By making the judgment that children of the opposite sex cannot co-sleep this also assumes the parents can judge their young pre-pubescent child's sexual orientation. So sisters can share a room or bed, brothers can share a room or bed; what happens if you discover one or both of your children are not heterosexual? Does this mean your children have been secretly having an incestuous relationship all this time? The answer to this question would be a very resounding NO. So if same sex is alright without knowing the sexual orientation of your children, how can children of the opposite sex be any different? Just because our culture has regularly ignored and/or ostracized anyone who openly admits to not being heterosexual does not give parents the right to assume the sexual preferences of their children. Nor does it give parents the right to assume their children are doing anything incestuous or perverted if they are of the opposite sex and sharing their sleeping space. Parents whose thoughts immediately go to something sexual or 'dirty' should try to figure out why they feel this way and do something about it. It isn't natural to feel this way about your children; if something has happened to you in the past it should be investigated and even psychologically evaluated.

Children only act out sexually if they are taught. If your children have not seen you having sex, have not watched sexually explicit television or porn, or been witness to anyone else's sexual interactions then it's safe to say your children are not doing anything inappropriate. Children experiment and investigate everything around them. It's what children do. It's how they learn. If something your child does appears sexual it most likely isn't. It's just innocent investigation. Children want to know the differences between mommy and daddy; they will at some point see you naked. They'll want to know why they look different. Sit down and explain human anatomy to them. There's nothing wrong with their questions, there's nothing sexual behind the questions, they're just questions.

We are all born with the need to be close to our loved ones. We cling to those that give us love and comfort. Our most vulnerable time is when we are asleep. It is only natural that you would want those close to you that give you the most security. These would be your parents; one reason why children usually don't go willingly to their own beds, and their siblings. How many times do parents put their children to bed only to find them all curled up together in the morning? More than you may think. These relationships and bonds are strong and should be nurtured, not forced apart because of some absurd belief system that should never have started in the first place. The first adult to put this belief out there into the minds of others should have had his/her head thoroughly examined and then promptly investigated for sexual abuse themselves. It takes a perverted mind to start something like this, and it continues to thrive in too many parents minds today because of generations of indoctrination. It's hard to stop, but it is possible.

The responsibility lays at the feet of parents. What happened or didn't happen in our own childhoods? Is there something there that led us into a sexually suppressive state of being? How did our parents act? Were we abused as children? What was our upbringing like? Take some time to think about this and make a decision that you will not continue this cycle with your own children. For some of us that may include therapy on more serious psychological issues. For others, just taking the time to think before reacting. Our responsibility is to care for our children in all ways. That includes the bond and closeness that our children feel towards us as their parents as well as their siblings. Our children have nothing to feel bad about, so don't give them any reason to think their closeness to you or their siblings is anything but family bond, love, comfort and security - whether in wakefulness and most assuredly in restfulness and sleep.

Resources:
http://www.incultureparent.com/2011/08/the-wests-strange-relationship-to-babies-and-sleep/
http://libaware.economads.com/sleepwithme.php

Posted on Examiner.com / November 19, 2013

Showing our Anger in Front of our Children

Have you ever watched a parent rant and rage about something in front of their child? Heard them yell at someone else in front of their children? Or perhaps been guilty of this act yourself? We're all human and slipping into this kind of unhealthy behavior can happen. 

The question is what does this do to our children and what do we do about it. 

First, we need to realize that it is alright to feel the need to release our anger at someone or something that has happened. The choice we all have is how we go about it. Some of us may write, or exercise or talk to someone about the issue. Preferably a counselor who can give you tips for healthy release of your angry feelings. Talking to friends or family in order to vent can actually increase your angry feelings because they will tend to agree with you and further foster your anger. This will not help. 

Next, we need to acknowledge that we've made a mistake in venting in front of our children. Just like we do with other adults - we need to apologize and make amends. Many parents may not realize or feel that they need to apologize to their children, but we do. If we make a mistake it is important that we let our children know that we were the ones that made the mistake, apologize and make amends. It is no different than if you struck your child. Emotional scares can be far worse than physical ones, and expressing your anger in front of your children is nothing more than a form of child abuse. And if it continues you may be facing the authorities for your actions, so do something about it today before it gets so out of control you can't find a way out.  

Children will internalize the anger we show them. This will tend to surface by out of control behavior from our children. We show them how to act. If we are constantly angry in front of them, they will mimic that behavior.  Screaming, yelling, throwing tantrums and being mean are all signs that you've taught your child to handle their anger and frustration in an unhealthy way. Parents never like to be told this, but it's important to realize that if these are the problems your child is having then they are trying to express their anger, frustration and fears in the only way they have been taught. 

It's our job as the parent to correct our mistakes. So what do we do? 

Sit our child down and explain ourselves. They certainly do not need to details of exactly what we are angry about, but we do need to make sure they know that we were in the wrong by expressing our anger in front of them. We were angry or sad and never should have said/done... (fill in the blank) in front of them. Then apologize. Let them know how sorry you are for what happened, that you will work very hard to never do that again. If they want to know why you were angry make sure you explain that it had nothing to do with them. Be general. Kids do not need to know our adult issues. If it has to do with a relationship with another person or situation that has changed or ended - just let them know that you are sad/angry/frustrated that the relationship/situation has changed. They do not need to be involved with the details, but it is okay to let your children know that you're angry or sad about something. It will make it easier for them to come to you with their anger and frustrations instead of acting out in the moment. 

Then give it some time. Keep reinforcing that your child can talk to you about what is bothering them when they start acting out of control. Don't immediately scold or discipline them until you can get to the root of why they are feeling so out of control. Most of the time we'll find that our children just need to talk something out. Show them how to use their words to express themselves and not lose total control. Even if it is a painful issue that we are dealing with ourselves, we are the adult in this situation. Our job as parents is to teach our children in a loving and positive way even in times when we feel lost and out of control.  

Do your best to keep your anger in check. If that means seeing a counselor or other professional to give you advice, do it. Don't think you have to do this alone. If there is help available, take advantage of that help. Allowing our anger to fester and grow keeps us from moving through the issue. We hurt ourselves and we hurt our children by doing this. And again, venting to family and friends may seem to help in the moment but will keep you in the middle of the anger. You can't move through it if you keep talking about it to those who will just jump into the fray with you. Of course they mean well, but keeping yourself in the anger doesn't help anyone. We need to process and move on. This is what we want for our children, and the best way to show our children is through our actions.  

We've all been there. We have all had things happen in our lives that hurt, but we are the only ones responsible for how we react. The other people involved didn't force you to explode in front of your children, you did that all on your own. But it can be fixed. We only want love and joy in our children's lives. There will be hurts and challenges that our children will need to face no matter how much we wish differently. Our job is to prepare them so they can face these challenges in a healthy way. Not only will we be teaching our children, but we'll be teaching ourselves a better way of life. Our bond with our children will prove it. 

Published on Examiner.com: http://www.examiner.com/article/showing-our-anger-front-of-our-children