Siblings Sleeping in Sin?

Published on Examiner.com / November 19, 2013

What do you see when you look at the above picture? Love, comfort, peacefulness? Does it look cute, adorable or sweet? Some would say yes, of course. Some however, see a very different picture. They see 2 siblings of the opposite sex curled up together in the same bed. This is wrong, incestuous, perverted. When exactly in our culture did this shift occur? When did the sight of a bed turn from comforting and restful to something dirty and sinful? When did it become unnatural for our children to find comfort from closeness to one another?

According to anthropologists the idea of privacy and what was deemed appropriate and inappropriate regarding sleeping arrangements began changing in the 19th century. Homes became larger and families could have their own space. Although even to this day, it is mostly 'white America' that holds such strict and puritanical views on co-sleeping. Prior to this time all families co-slept. For most cultures the thought of not having your infant in bed with you or siblings all sharing a bed for comfort and closeness is abhorrent. They would look down on the parents who wouldn't allow this; feeling sorry for the children. So what caused this change?

The Puritans are all resting peacefully in their graves, why have their overly strict and ridiculous beliefs not been laid to rest with them? Religion plays a huge role in addition to the economic development of 'white America'. With larger homes families could spread out more. This wasn't for 'appropriateness' but simply as a social status. But along with this came a disconnection with the family unit. That once shared closeness faded into the past and seemed odd or uncomfortable to be in such close proximity to ones own family members. Nannies and wet nurses were employed to care for newborns and young children so mothers no longer had that bond with their children. Many faiths were already preaching of sin within our own bodies and certainly within our sexuality. Closeness to anyone of the opposite sex, regardless of age, was viewed as scandalous and sexual in nature, it made no difference if that was true or not.

Society and cultures have swayed back and forth over the past century on its overall view of family closeness and co-sleeping, and great strides have been made and will continue to be made. It's unfortunate that our own generation and that of our children have to deal with such absurdity but it's there - it must be dealt with. Parents in some states and providences actually have to keep it secret if they co-sleep out of fear of having their children removed from the home. Parents lose custody rights every day because of these out-dated and frankly, family destroying ideas.

Children with no knowledge of sex or sexuality yet make innocent gestures or 'play doctor' and parents freak out, convinced that their child has witnessed something inappropriate. Why does this have to be the immediate reaction? For arguments sake, what if they did see something? A couple kissing, a caress, a hug. Is that so wrong? Our bodies were designed to enjoy each other's closeness and sexuality. Or did the creator (creators/creatress - dependent on your belief system) make a mistake when human beings evolved into what we are today? Why create all of our erogenous zones if they weren't meant to be used for our enjoyment and pleasure? Adults have an annoying habit of over-sexualizing everything from children playing to cartoons. Have you ever watched one of your favorite childhood cartoons to realize as an adult that it's full of sexual innuendo's? As a child you had no idea about any of this, only as an adult do you see any of it - and cartoons are created by adults. So what does this say about our own sexual insecurities?

Children have to grow up so quickly. What do you want to be when you grow up? You need to learn to behave and follow the rules. Don't do that, don't say that, don't be that - do this, do that. It never ends for some children - why throw sex into the mix when they can barely spell their own names yet let alone tell you about sex and what it's for or how it should feel? Now, if they ask then it's time to sit down and tell them in an age appropriate way. By age appropriate, tell them in a way that is understandable for them. But if they aren't asking then there's no reason to go there. This does not mean however, that showing affection should be out-lawed in your home on the off chance that it will bring about questions. Questions are a good thing; at times uncomfortable for the parents, but a good thing overall.

By making the judgment that children of the opposite sex cannot co-sleep this also assumes the parents can judge their young pre-pubescent child's sexual orientation. So sisters can share a room or bed, brothers can share a room or bed; what happens if you discover one or both of your children are not heterosexual? Does this mean your children have been secretly having an incestuous relationship all this time? The answer to this question would be a very resounding NO. So if same sex is alright without knowing the sexual orientation of your children, how can children of the opposite sex be any different? Just because our culture has regularly ignored and/or ostracized anyone who openly admits to not being heterosexual does not give parents the right to assume the sexual preferences of their children. Nor does it give parents the right to assume their children are doing anything incestuous or perverted if they are of the opposite sex and sharing their sleeping space. Parents whose thoughts immediately go to something sexual or 'dirty' should try to figure out why they feel this way and do something about it. It isn't natural to feel this way about your children; if something has happened to you in the past it should be investigated and even psychologically evaluated.

Children only act out sexually if they are taught. If your children have not seen you having sex, have not watched sexually explicit television or porn, or been witness to anyone else's sexual interactions then it's safe to say your children are not doing anything inappropriate. Children experiment and investigate everything around them. It's what children do. It's how they learn. If something your child does appears sexual it most likely isn't. It's just innocent investigation. Children want to know the differences between mommy and daddy; they will at some point see you naked. They'll want to know why they look different. Sit down and explain human anatomy to them. There's nothing wrong with their questions, there's nothing sexual behind the questions, they're just questions.

We are all born with the need to be close to our loved ones. We cling to those that give us love and comfort. Our most vulnerable time is when we are asleep. It is only natural that you would want those close to you that give you the most security. These would be your parents; one reason why children usually don't go willingly to their own beds, and their siblings. How many times do parents put their children to bed only to find them all curled up together in the morning? More than you may think. These relationships and bonds are strong and should be nurtured, not forced apart because of some absurd belief system that should never have started in the first place. The first adult to put this belief out there into the minds of others should have had his/her head thoroughly examined and then promptly investigated for sexual abuse themselves. It takes a perverted mind to start something like this, and it continues to thrive in too many parents minds today because of generations of indoctrination. It's hard to stop, but it is possible.

The responsibility lays at the feet of parents. What happened or didn't happen in our own childhoods? Is there something there that led us into a sexually suppressive state of being? How did our parents act? Were we abused as children? What was our upbringing like? Take some time to think about this and make a decision that you will not continue this cycle with your own children. For some of us that may include therapy on more serious psychological issues. For others, just taking the time to think before reacting. Our responsibility is to care for our children in all ways. That includes the bond and closeness that our children feel towards us as their parents as well as their siblings. Our children have nothing to feel bad about, so don't give them any reason to think their closeness to you or their siblings is anything but family bond, love, comfort and security - whether in wakefulness and most assuredly in restfulness and sleep.

Resources:
http://www.incultureparent.com/2011/08/the-wests-strange-relationship-to-babies-and-sleep/
http://libaware.economads.com/sleepwithme.php

Posted on Examiner.com / November 19, 2013

Freedom of the Press: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Why do writers write?
Because we have something to say. Our lives and experiences give us knowledge and ideas for stories that we want to share with those who want to read them. As writers we are aware that just as there may be many who like what we write, there will be just as many who do not. The beauty of all of this however, is that no one is forcing anyone to read what we write. So if you don't like it, stop reading it. No one is holding a gun to your head. But - and there's always a but - there will also be those who feel that they need to argue with you and your words. Those who feel they have the right to forcibly censor you for no other reason than the fact that they do not like or agree with your words.
 
Now, if you are a journalist or fiction writer who is using actual names of individuals and spreading lies or vicious rumors that are completely unsubstantiated you should probably rethink what you are allowing to be published. But then again, walk into any grocery store and pick up the weekly tabloid and all you'll see are lies and rumors about famous individuals. So even in those cases, writers have a lot of freedom and rights regarding what they submit for publication.
 
But - yes, another but - there will also be those who may try to find ways of forcibly censoring you with false accusations and charges. It's unfortunate and extreme but it happens. So, to begin...
 
What is harassment?
According to the Canadian Human Rights Commission (which is where I live) it is a form of discrimination. It involves any unwanted physical or verbal behaviour that offends or humiliates you. Generally, harassment is a behaviour that persists over time. Serious one-time incidents can also sometimes be considered harassment.

Harassment occurs when someone:

• makes unwelcome remarks or jokes about your race, religion, sex, age, disability or any other of the 11 grounds of discrimination. 
• threatens or intimidates you. 
• makes unwelcome physical contact with you, such as touching, patting, pinching or punching, which can also be considered assault.

So in regards to writing, if you are making any of the above mentioned remarks about a specific individual you can actually be charged with harassment. If you are writing articles or fiction stories that are general in nature and for a broad audience that does not name anyone specifically or include any of the above mentioned grounds of discrimination, your writing cannot be called harassing in any nature.

What is slander?
The legal definition of slander is defamation by oral utterance rather than by writing, pictures, etc.

What is defamation?
The act of defaming; false or unjustified injury of the good reputation of another, as by slander or libel; calumny.

What is libel?
The legal definition is:
a. defamation by written or printed words, pictures, or in any form other than by spoken words or gestures.

b. the act or crime of publishing it.

c. a formal written declaration or statement, as one containing the allegations of a plaintiff or the grounds of a charge.

 

The same for the above legal terms. You need to be naming someone specifically, you need to be writing and publishing articles and/or stories that include discriminatory language against the specific person and the individual needs to be able to show in a court of law how they have been injured by your published words. Injury can include ruin of the individuals reputation through the media which has caused them to loose their job or somehow cause a lose of wages which can be tracked directly to your publications. Injury to one's reputation is hard to prove, but possible if it has cost the individual in a physical way that can be presented in court.

 

Injury can also include any publications of unsubstantiated lies or vicious rumors that defame the individual in the public eye regardless of any monetary lose. An example would be publishing that someone committed a violent crime when in fact they had not. This is why journalists are so vigilant on checking and double/triple checking their sources. Another example would be spreading rumors about someone's activities (say at a party or bar) that are purposely used to humiliate the individual, regardless if the statements are true. These can be grounds for being charged with libel or defamation of character.

 

So with all of that said the laws are pretty clear on what is and is not reputable in the media. As a writer you learn very quickly that your words can really piss someone off. It's our right to be able to publish what we choose. We each have the freedom of thought, belief, opinion and expression, including freedom of the press and other media of communication. Some may not like that we have this freedom, but they have this same freedom which allows them to voice their opinion within the legal system and file any charges (false or not) within that system. Of course, if someone's actions and consistent trouble making actually causes us as writers our wages due to false charges that cause censorship unnecessarily - we have a legitimate case against them.

 

We can't please everyone, and as writers we usually don't try. It's literally an impossible task. So we put up with the trouble makers and enjoy the fans in order to write for the public. We shouldn't have to be scared of what others will say or do if we are being responsible in our writing and staying away from the kinds of writing that can actually get us into a lot of trouble. Some may try threats and scare tactics but we have a right to express ourselves freely.

 

I write based on my personal experiences and dramas that go on in my life in regards to health and parenting. The people around me give me a ton of ideas and inspirations for articles. I literally have pages of possible topics. Do I write anything that could be used as libel against me or seen as defamation of character - no. Do I purposefully attempt to humiliate anyone in my writing - no. Do I spread lies and vicious rumors - no. Do I voice my opinions - yes. Can those who read my articles get an idea of some of the experiences I've had in my life - yes. Am I going to continue writing - yes.

 

I enjoy writing, I enjoy learning, I enjoy sharing my experiences and knowledge in the hopes of helping someone else out there. I have a right to express myself and I use that right. I hope that my current experiences and information I've listed can help someone else out there who may not know what is and is not acceptable to publish. But if all else fails, have a professional editor and/or lawyer review your submissions for any possible legalities. Happy writing!

 

Helpful writing links

PEN Canada

Online Legal Dictionary

Canadian Civil Liberties Association

Only the Positive May Enter...All Else is Locked Out

For my followers on my Fibro Survivors United Facebook page, you all may have noticed that I do not post any of the hundreds of pictures and comments that reflect our pain, frustration, depression and fears. It is extremely difficult to do; allow only the positive to enter your life, to enter your mind. We are trained early on to always seek perfection, a better way. As we get older this turns into criticism of ourselves and others until all that is left is the negativity. War, hate, fear, self-loathing, lack of confidence and self-esteem.

Toss on top of this ever burdening load an invisible illness that causes chronic widespread pain throughout your entire body. Family and friends do not understand, doctors think you're faking, even conspiring to get ahold of the 'good' drugs for no other reason than to get high. You must fight to stay employed or fight for disability. We do deal with pain, anxiety, depression, insomnia, weight gain, migraines, loss, fear of the future. But what has concentrating on, talking about, and worrying about the negative aspects of my life ever gotten me but more of it?

It is a tough decision to decide that I will no longer allow all of the negative to walk through my door. I want to scream and yell at times to make others really see and hear my pain, but what would that accomplish? Their pity? If I cannot have an adult discussion on my diagnosis with them, and have them understand - is it worth it to keep fighting to try and force them to see me? The answer I finally came to - NO.

I have been reading and studying on the principles of the Law of Attraction. I have experimented with it. On small things that I would like...to test it. Everything I have put out into the Universe has come to me...as long as I only see the positive, and let it go. The principles are a bit trickier than that...but that is the jest of it. So there is something to all of it. It does work. Others say they have healed themselves through this process - doctors have called it a medical miracle. So what will it hurt to try?

My decision has led me to make some changes. I do not pay much attention to the news. Pain and hate is what sells and it is what the media likes to cram down all of our throats. So I say - no more. I no longer write about (complain about) my pain, frustrations, anger, etc. in my blogs or on my Facebook page, to my friends or my family. I no longer comment on or share any images or words that concentrate on the negative aspects of chronic pain. I only look for the positive information to share with myself and my readers.

This doesn't mean that all the ickyness of Fibro has vanished from my life in a magical poof of smoke and fairy dust (that would be very cool though), but I'm making progress. I try very hard (and I mean VERY hard) to stay on course. I meditate, do deep breathing, take long hot showers and Epson salt baths. I do yoga and get outside each day. I read fun books. I watch shows I like and keep my spirits up. And I write. I do not (try not) to discuss all the bad and icky of what I go through each and every day because the more concentration and time I put into the negative - according to the LOA - the more of it I will attract into my life.

I take my meds and see my doctors - I do not listen to them when they say I must accept my pain and that it will be with me for the rest of my life. What do they really know? Not much in the area of fibro...we've all found that out. So why listen to that? I choose not to. I research various methods, tips and tricks for helping and give them all a try. Some help, some don't. I'm trying to go with what works and just let all the rest go. It doesn't deserve my time and attention.

The negative people who have tried to stay in my life...no more. I am selfish because I love myself and I know better than any one else on this planet that I deserve happiness and joy. I deserve to feel good. I deserve a good nights sleep. I deserve anything and everything that I want for myself - and absolutely no one, no matter your level of education and how many initials you can place after your name, is going to be able to convince me of anything else!

So, I pass on all the images and sayings that increase my thoughts of pain and anything else negative in favor of the positive. Some days are easier than others, but I'm going to keep trying. I'm not going to beat myself up for forgetting this or that, or misplacing something or not meeting everyone else's expectations. I'm not going to let others have the control over me that they have had in the past - they cannot make me feel inferior or insignificant because of their own ignorance. I know exactly what I deal with each day and I don't need to discuss it at length with anyone except to update my doctor and keep my husband and kids updated on what my day is going to be (ie: I can do more today than yesterday...I need to take it easy today). I let my family and doctor know what I need without the complaining, crying, yelling and anger (ok, ok...I try VERY hard to do this).

Some might think this idea is stupid, ineffective or as one reader put it - to placate, but it gave her a really good laugh. We all have the right to our opinions but I've seen the difference a positive attitude and positive atmosphere have on a not very positive situation. There is just too much evidence that says there is something behind these principles to brush it aside. I do feel better on the days I'm able to stay more positive, and worse on my negative depressing days.

So this is what I'm doing, and this is why you won't find any negative imagery on my sites. I'll keep everyone posted on my progress.

♥ Gentle Hugs ♥

Life Lessons that Speak the Truth Through the Ages

There have been teachers and visionaries from the past whose words continue to hold meaning regardless of when they where originally spoken. It can become increasingly difficult in a world when we are expected to do more in less time to keep these basic life lessons in the forefront of our daily lives. We can fall into the trap of feeling like we have no control of our lives. That others have the power to dictate our present and future. We rush around trying to do as much as possible, blaming others for the negativity we allow them to force upon us. We make excuses for why we don't take care of ourselves and why we can't do anything to turn our lives around. When our life isn't working we continue to do the same things over and over again but wonder why our circumstances don't change. It's time to stop this cycle and really listen to what these teachers have to offer.  

Gandhi was born in 1869 and led India into independence. He inspired national movements of freedom across the world. His techniques were non-violent civil disobedience. Gandhi was one of the great teachers in this world, practicing what he preached in his daily life. When asked to give a message to the people his response would be, "My life is my message".  

Within the evolution of our society, we have lost these principles. It's time to reclaim our lives and regain our balance. These ten words of wisdom are as true today as they where in Gandhi's time: 

Be the change. There are many changes that we may want in our lives, but how often do we recognize that we are the ones that must first change in order for change to happen? We must do away with the thoughts that say the outside world must change before we can. We must be ambassadors to our own change; and as you shall will it, so shall it become. Calm your minds, figure out exactly what changes you want, then begin changing yourself so that you become the change you want. This could happen in small baby steps or large strides, but the how's do not matter. Just do it. See it in your minds eye and become it. Visualize your change and feel it. One day you will wake up and realize your change has already happened. 

What you think you become. This is powerful. It goes back to the Law of Attraction. If you constantly think you're broke, you probably are. If you always believe that others are out to get you at work and sabotage your efforts, that is all you will see. Now this isn't to say that I can simply concentrate on having a million dollars in my bank account and then it will mysteriously appear without any effort on my part beyond visualization. No no. You need to go back to the first word of wisdom "Be the change". If you do not put any effort into what you wish to become, sitting around and waiting for the knock on the door will never happen. Our minds do not know reality from imaginary. So if you are constantly depressed and think you will accomplish nothing in life, you most likely won't. But if you have a positive outlook, think and feel that you can accomplish what you want, and actively be the change you want; nothing can stop you. The right people will appear in your life with the kinds of opportunities you need to further your goals. Attitude is everything. 

Where there is love there is life. Love truly is the key to everything. We need to come to a realization that it does not matter our sex, orientation, color, nationality or religious/spiritual beliefs. We are all connected by nature and nature is the purest form of love. We are all living beings with hearts and souls. We feel pain and heart ache, we feel love and sadness, we feel sorrow and empathy. We are one. Our differences are what make up the beauty of this world we live on. I wouldn't want a world where everyone was the same, that would be far too boring. Our world is like a beautiful quilt with billions of different patches and patterns, colors and designs; all sown together into this patchwork layer that blankets the earth. What more love and beauty could you hope for? So the next time someone lashes out, share some of your love with them because they are the ones that need it the most. Be the change you wish to see in others, and they will eventually follow. They won't be able to help themselves. 

Learn as if you'll live forever. We as human beings are in a constant state of learning, but many of us believe that once the degree is awarded that learning ceases and you know all there is to know. This is a fallacy that will come back to bite you. There is always something new to learn, in and out of the classroom. We are all in a constant state of growth and evolution, even though our bodies age and we eventually pass on to what ever comes next, that is no excuse to cut yourself off from the beauty of knowledge. Many cultures believe in an afterlife or rebirth; wouldn't you need as much knowledge as possible when you pass on to your next existence?  

Your health is your real wealth. Not how many hours you put into your work week, or how much money you have accumulated. Not how large a home you live in or how flashy a car you drive, none of these things show true wealth. Our emotional, physical and spiritual health are our real wealth indicators. You can have all the objects in the world, but be miserable. You can live in an impoverished community and be amazingly happy and content. It has everything to do with how you take care of yourself. If your emotional, physical and spiritual needs are met you can see everything else for what it is, just things. They may hold memories, but memories are ours forever even when the things no longer exist. Take care of yourself and all else will naturally fall into place. 

Have a sense of humor. Life is about joy and love. Mistakes can and will happen along the way. Hurts will come your way; they are all a part of the life experience in our journey through our evolution. We can learn far more from our mistakes and hurts than by our successes. Our mistakes and hurts will lead us to our success if we look and see them as stepping stones along the way. We never fail, we simply learn lessons so we can do things differently the next time. But in all of this, we must have a sense of humor about it. This will keep us from delving too deeply into the mistake or hurt, only causing more mistakes and hurts to come our way. We see them, learn from them, laugh at them, and move on to the next. 

Your life is your message. It's all fine to sit up on a high horse and preach these ideals, but to teach them and live them simultaneously is to be a true teacher of wisdom. To see life through those eyes is something I strive for each and every day. To see love in everything and everyone, to keep these ideals in my life each day, that to me would be true peace. There have been and continue to be too many men and women who preach and scream the words of God or some other prophet, or savior, or gods/goddesses but loose sight of everything in their own daily lives. They become contradictory to all they say they believe in. This is no life to live. Only once you can begin to live your message can you find the inner peace we as humans strive for so much. 

Action expresses priorities. You may say your child comes first, but work late and are never home for dinner all in the name of the almighty dollar. So your child suffers because they need to see you more often. You can't let go of the past hurts and work our your differences with your ex, so your ex is never allowed visitation because you feel it is in the best interest of your child. But your child suffers because they are unable to see both of their loving parents. Your actions express your priorities. In the first, money is more important than quality time. In the second, hurting your ex is more important than the emotional and psychological needs of the child. These people may make excuses to make themselves feel better about what they are doing, but their priorities are warped and unhealthy. In both cases the priority of both parents is probably to do what is right for their child, but their actions contradict everything they are telling themselves. And in both cases and innocent child suffers for it. Really think about your priorities from all points of view. Ask questions, get some advice, and really make the effort to put aside your personal hurts or mistakes and insure your actions are true to your priorities. Don't judge yourself, just learn from it and move forward in your journey. 

Our greatness is in being able to remake ourselves. It is never too late to change our thought process, our diet, our emotional, physical or spiritual health. The point is to learn from our mistakes and hurts. Stop blaming others for all that has been done or said. Take your power back, you are the only one who should be in control of your power. We must see these mistakes and hurts as lessons and challenges on our evolutionary journey. People and circumstances come into our lives to help us learn. Some people are meant to stay longer than others. So the next time you experience anything that isn't comfortable, that makes you upset, sad or angry, try to see what lesson you need to learn from this. How can you be the change so this won't happen again. Make the change, step by step, and remake yourself into the greatness you are meant to be. 

Find yourself in the service of others. You get what you give in this world, this is the natural law. We are meant to experience love and joy in our lives. We can have both by offering of ourselves to others. I'm not saying we all need to dig into our pockets and try to donate to every cause that comes to our door, but what else can you offer? Your time? Your lightly used goods that you'll never wear or use again? Can you carry a case of bottled water in your car and hand these out to the homeless you see asking for handouts along the roadside? Pay it forward. Make an extra sandwich and give it to a homeless person who you see all the time. Help when and where you can. This is the actions of a wise and great person. 

These words of wisdom, these ideals can be difficult to hold close to you when life's frustrations come knocking at your door. Work, kids, carpool, soccer practice, what to make for dinner tonight, someone cutting you off in traffic - the list can go on and on. Striving for these wisdoms doesn't mean that you get to a place where you never experience any of these frustrations and anger, but that you take a much different path in dealing with them. Take enough time to think before you react to situations. Make sure that the things you do in all aspects of your life are holding true to your ideals. If they're not, there's no need to beat yourself up. Just take a deep breath, rethink it, see how you can be the change for the future and move forward. Even the greatest and wisest of teachers had to learn these steps, even they messed up. It gets better over time. You just need to trust in yourself that no matter what obstacles stand in your way you will make it. Love yourself and everything else will fall into place. 

Published on Yahoo!Voices: http://voices.yahoo.com/life-lessons-speak-truth-through-ages-12227430.html

The Wisdom of Forgiveness and Your Health

Have you ever allowed another person's actions to dictate your emotions? Are you angry and bitter every time you think of someone who has wronged you? If so, you're human but also probably living a more stressful and unhealthy life than you need to be. The problem with allowing others to control our emotions is that we cannot control what others do. If someone doesn't live up to our standards and expectations we allow them to destroy our happiness. We think that they have to do something in order to allow us to move forward. This leads to resentment, bitterness and physical and mental health issues. Who wants to live this way? I know I didn't, but realized that that was exactly what I was doing in my first marriage.

It certainly did not happen over night, but it happened. One day I woke up and realized I had given all of my power away. My life was no longer my own. Well, that had to stop. It took time and help from a counselor to rebuild my confidence in myself and take control of my life and my emotions. My marriage didn't survive, but although I contributed my share of mistakes that eventually ended our marriage, so did my ex-husband. And I've come to realize that holding onto all of the lies and betrayals, the unanswered questions and hurts is a waste of time. It does nothing to change the past and only keeps me in that unhealthy place. I would still be allowing him to control my happiness.

I know I'll never get the answers I would like about how our marriage turned out the way it did, and that's okay. I don't require these answers to move forward, to live my life, to raise my son, to find love again, to be happy. I can move on in spite of my past. If you're in a similar place in your life here are a few things that can help you find a healthier path:

1) Talk to someone.
It's hard to let go of past hurts. It doesn't make you a weak person if you ask for help. Friends and family can often times only fuel your anger, having a third party who can give you realistic goals and objectives to help you through the situation can be invaluable.

2) Write it out .
Write it all down, uncensored and raw. Don't hold back. Say everything you wish you could say, ask all the questions, tell them off; what ever you feel like writing. And when you're done, burn it and let it go. Don't let someone else have your power, they're never worth it.

3) Forgive.
Not for them, but for yourself. Forgiveness doesn't mean that what the person did was okay, it means that you have it within yourself to move on and have a happy, healthy life.

Forgiveness is a powerful tool, but it does take time to get to that place. However, the more you practice forgiveness in your life the easier it becomes. I think we have been taught by society that forgiveness means it's alright. That who ever has hurt us can just get away with what they have done . The reality of the situation is that no one gets away with the wrongs and hurts they have perpetuated onto others. There are lessons to be learned and if the other person continues in their negative behavior they will only attract this negativity back into their lives. So find peace in letting go of the hurt and forgiving in order to continue on your own path.

Published by Yahoo!Voices: http://voices.yahoo.com/the-wisdom-forgiveness-health-12220600.html

The Day in the Life of a Bonus Mom

The name step-mother has so many negative connotations. Think back to Snow White or Cinderella. Step-mother's are typically seen as mean and evil, thankfully we don't live in a cartoon. We live in the real world where step-mother's are trying to find a way of being positive parental figures to their step-children without making their mother feel like she is in a competition. This is an extremely difficult balance to maintain, especially if you're in a situation where the children's mother refuses to attempt communication. 

 

As a step-mother (or bonus mom as many step-moms prefer), you aren't just daddy's new wife. You're a mother, a therapist and sounding board for these new little one's who have entered your life. There may come a time when your bonus kids come to you for advice because they're too uncomfortable to go to either parent, or discipline needs to be dished out and their father isn't around. This can be difficult to handle in the beginning. Communication is vital, not just with your husband, but with their mother too. Bonus moms need to know the rules and objectives of both parents so they can give the advice, handle discipline and be the positive role model for the children.  

 

Too many times couples split and one or both become so angry and bitter with the other that the children are unwittingly tossed into the middle. The parents can't see the damage they are doing to the children because they're too angry. This is when the bonus moms can step in and be the calm in the storm for the kids. Some things that bonus moms should keep in mind: 

 

1) The kids must come first. Regardless of what their parents are doing or not doing, it is your responsibility as an adult who chose the life of a bonus mom to keep your emotions under control in front of the children. Take the moral high ground. 

 

2) Never speak ill of the children's mother in front of them. No matter what your feelings may be towards their mother, children never need to hear about it. The loser in these situations will always be the parent or bonus parent who tears down the children's mother or father. 

 

3) You need to show maturity and try to see the other side. You don't have to be best buds with the kids mother, but making an effort to recognize the pain and fears they are probably experiencing can go a long way. Make an effort to communicate with their mother. This may or may not work, but its possible that if you keep that door open their mother may choose to walk through it one day. 

 

4) Find someone to talk to. Talking to your husband will typically only make you more angry because he's just as angry. You'll feel like you're on trial, being analyzed and investigated to try and find some deep dark secrets from your past that don't exist. Having someone uninvolved in the situation to talk to can help you keep the balance.  

 

5) Set down ground rules as soon as possible. Talk to your husband (and their mother if you are able to) about discipline, difficult questions that may come up, school, food restrictions, extra curricular activities and scheduling. These will be the basis of how you handle the situations that arise. 

 

6) Sit down with your own kids and have a discussion. If you have kids of your own, they need to be a part of the discussion. Let them know the rules of the house and what you and your husbands expectations are for all of you. It's important that all of the children come first and no one feels alienated or left out. 

 

7) Let the parents handle the disagreements. This is probably one of the more important items on this list. Don't get involved in the arguments and disagreements of the kids parents. Even if you feel justified in saying your peace; in the end it just isn't worth it. It will only add more fuel to the fire which will blow up in everyone's face (including the kids). You can certainly be there for your spouse and hear him out, but don't join in the argument, let the mediator and courts do their job if the parents are unable to agree. 

 

Being a bonus mom can be difficult and at times painful, but you need to remember that you made a conscious decision to enter into this family and the kids need you. None of the adults involved are going to be completely comfortable with the situation but hopefully that can change with time. Keep the communication going as best you can, remember you are an adult and the kids need to see that, and take the moral high ground; compromising is the key to success. It'll be hard if the parents have a long list of disagreements, but the kids are worth it. You will be an integral part of their lives, even if their mother refuses to admit it. They can either see you as the loving bonus mom you are, or the evil step-mother you allow yourself to become. The choice is yours. 

 

Published on Examiner.com: http://www.examiner.com/article/the-day-the-life-of-a-bonus-mom