When a major change needs to happen in your life, it never comes gently. It doesn’t tap you on the shoulder and say excuse me I’m going to cause havoc in your life today. It forces its way into your lifelike a hurricane , whipping everything in your life into the air. Some things may land nearby; others will be obliterated, never to be seen again. You try to reach shelter, but you don’t make it and get tossed through the maelstrom that is your life. And the question is, how long will it last? When will I land again? And when I do, will I be able to survive this?
It’s obvious that things need to change in my life in a big way. My pain condition isn’t from something physical that isn’t working right in my body, the myriad of tests and specialists I’ve seen as proven that. The theory is that all of this stems from psychological trauma I’ve been through. I was diagnosed with PTSD twenty years ago from childhood abuse; I’ve never dealt with what happened to me. I was told that this happens a lot to women my age. Something triggers the past trauma and brings it all to the surface, usually as very serious physical health issues.
The goal is to get me back to work, but right now I can’t see that in my future. I try to, but I’m not sure what it is I want to do exactly. I’ve realized that I actually hate being in an office every day. Even if I love what I’m doing – which I was for a time – I absolutely do not want to be stuck in an office all day. I want to write, which I can do from anywhere, I want to write novels and support myself and my son. I want to travel the world. I want to feel like the things I want are possible, obtainable, foreseeable.
No comments:
Post a Comment