In search for my querencia

Querencia is the place you feel the most secure. I’m 35 years old and am still looking for this illusive place. I’m an artist, an aspiring writer, a mother – but right now none of these places gives me my querencia. My home is cluttered and in desperate need of remodeling; so no querencia there – and dealing with chronic pain insures that I can’t find my security within my own body. So where is it hiding?

I’m not sure how to find it. I don’t even know how to start looking. My life feels so chaotic and cluttered with random thoughts, pain, anger, hopelessness – where do you start? I read blogs and get emails on the law of attraction; the techniques to implement these ideas in your life – but I can’t get it to stick. My thoughts always run back to the negative. Right now, I can’t even imagine being able to dig my way out of this hole. I’ve heard the saying, “Keep saying it until you believe it”, but I can’t even bring myself to say it. I’m asked how I’m doing – I can’t answer that question; there’s just too much.

There are so many things I want in my life; I want to feel better so I can function again, I want to dance again, I want to create again, and I desperately want to write. I have so many ideas and stories running through my head. I have pages of notes and ideas, partial thoughts – but I can’t find my voice. There’s an ache in the middle of my chest that never goes away. It’s like my anxiety, fear, anger, and pain are all tied up in a knot that just sits there in my chest 24/7, waiting for me to feel too overwhelmed so it can wreck havoc with my thoughts and feelings.

I do what I’m told by doctors and therapists; PT, yoga, meditation, take my meds, drink lots of water, get enough sleep. I try to eat right, but my meds screw up my appetite so most foods make me sick. So where in all of this do I find my querencia? I know there are people in this world that have it far worse than I do. Sometimes I feel so petty, but I still can’t get motivated. The house sits in a cluttered mess, laundry doesn’t get done, food goes bad, friends aren’t spoken to, the dog doesn’t get her exercise, the garden isn’t taken care of – and I sit here alone and in pain. How do I stop this cycle? Querencia – where are you?