
Querencia is the place you feel the most secure. I’m 35 years old and am still looking for this illusive place. I’m an artist, an aspiring writer, a mother – but right now none of these places gives me my querencia. My home is cluttered and in desperate need of remodeling; so no querencia there – and dealing with chronic pain insures that I can’t find my security within my own body. So where is it hiding?
I’m not sure how to find it. I don’t even know how to start looking. My life feels so chaotic and cluttered with random thoughts, pain, anger, hopelessness – where do you start? I read blogs and get emails on the law of attraction; the techniques to implement these ideas in your life – but I can’t get it to stick. My thoughts always run back to the negative. Right now, I can’t even imagine being able to dig my way out of this hole. I’ve heard the saying, “Keep saying it until you believe it”, but I can’t even bring myself to say it. I’m asked how I’m doing – I can’t answer that question; there’s just too much.
There are so many things I want in my life; I want to feel better so I can function again, I want to dance again, I want to create again, and I desperately want to write. I have so many ideas and stories running through my head. I have pages of notes and ideas, partial thoughts – but I can’t find my voice. There’s an ache in the middle of my chest that never goes away. It’s like my anxiety, fear, anger, and pain are all tied up in a knot that just sits there in my chest 24/7, waiting for me to feel too overwhelmed so it can wreck havoc with my thoughts and feelings.
I do what I’m told by doctors and therapists; PT, yoga, meditation, take my meds, drink lots of water, get enough sleep. I try to eat right, but my meds screw up my appetite so most foods make me sick. So where in all of this do I find my querencia? I know there are people in this world that have it far worse than I do. Sometimes I feel so petty, but I still can’t get motivated. The house sits in a cluttered mess, laundry doesn’t get done, food goes bad, friends aren’t spoken to, the dog doesn’t get her exercise, the garden isn’t taken care of – and I sit here alone and in pain. How do I stop this cycle? Querencia – where are you?
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