Keeping the faith with chronic pain

When diagnosed with a chronic illness a piece of you begins to shrivel and die. How could this be, why is this happening to me? Our faith in ourselves and our gods are shaken to the core. We can find ourselves spirally into depression and anxiety. We can't breathe. Anger is an easy emotion to turn to. Why has the Goddess turned Her back on me? What have I done to deserve this kind of karmic backlash?

You struggle to find the right doctors and specialists, the right treatment program, educating yourself, friends and family; not to mention the fight for benefits and whether you'll be able to continue to work. This alone could drive the strongest and healthiest of individuals into depression and absolute frustration. You need to have an advocate to turn to, to put your faith in. That's when we turn to our alter, light a candle, and ask the impossible question; why me?

If living in my pagan path has taught me nothing else, it is that we are given these challenges because we are strong enough. And there is a valuable lesson to be gleaned from it all. I can say with absolute certainty, from my own personal experience, that we don't feel strong enough in the beginning. Anything but. It takes time. For many, we have to grieve and mourn the lose of our former selves. Ritual and meditation is a wonderful place to start.

Meditate on who you saw yourself before - then on who you are in the present moment. Mentally light the fire on the pyre of your dead self, send her/him to the Lady. Then right down everything that has and will be changing in your life. How it makes you feel. What you plan to do about them. What you'd like to do about them. Cry. Scream at this paper; this symbol of what was. Then burn it. Watch it as the paper curls and blackens, flaking off to be carried away on a breeze. Watch the smoke rise steadily upwards to the gods. They hear you. They see you. Now take three long, cleansing breaths and just let yourself feel your body for a moment. It's much more difficult than you first think it is.

Sit with your pain. Feel it. And slowly, with time you can begin to accept it. This ritual can be done multiple times and for multiple reasons. Keep doing it as often as you need, but make a point to practice your deep breathing and let your self sit and feel your pain on a regular basis. Light candles and incense, cast your circle, invite the quarters, God/Goddess, and any other positive energies you wish. This takes time and can be painful in the beginning. Let the God/Goddess be with you during this time. Feel their energy holding you up and supporting you during this process. You would not have been given this challenge if you were not strong enough for it.

Buddhists call it Radical Acceptance. Well, I'll tell you that the first time my therapist suggested this to me, I thought maybe she was the one who had lost her mind. Maybe we should switch places and have a little chat about this. But, the more she explained it, the more sense it finally started to make for me. This "sitting with your pain and accepting it", has nothing to do with giving up. You feel your pain, and you accept that in this moment in time, this is simply how it is. Nothing more, nothing less. You accept that your doctors have diagnosed you, you are working on a treatment plan which you will follow through implicitly, and that you will continue to look, to research, to speak to your doctors about your health on a more regular basis. As aptly put by Tara Brach in her article, The Power of Radical Acceptance: Healing Trauma though the Integration of Buddhist Meditation and Psychotherapy, "which means clearly recognizing what we are feeling in the present moment and regarding that experience with compassion. I see over and over that Radical Acceptance is the gateway to healing wounds and spiritual transformation. When we can meet our experience with Radical Acceptance, we discover the wholeness, wisdom and love that are our deepest nature."

My diagnosis was a blessing of sorts. I cannot say that I'm completely accepting of my current life, because I struggle with these concepts every day, but with this health challenge I have been able to spend more time on myself and my health. I'm there for my son in ways that I couldn't be while I was working full time. Don't get me wrong, I loved my career, but this has changed my priorities. Made me take a long, hard look at what I really want to do. Writing, art, photography; these are the things I've been wanting to do but have always pushed them aside because I never made time for them. Now may be the time to stop pushing them away and embrace them as I work towards my own radical acceptance. Discover my wholeness, regard myself with love and compassion. Allow myself the opportunity to fully embrace my gods and what they have to teach me. There is a lesson to be learned within chronic illness, and each of us have been given the opportunity to find it, embrace it, and find a deeper connection with our chosen gods. I wish all of  you the brightest of blessings in your journey with chronic illness.

Caleen Martin


Radical Acceptance Article Refrences
http://www.tarabrach.com/articles/trauma.html
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/real-healing/201101/radical-acceptance

My Writing Continues???

So I've been trying to come up with what I can do in order to prepare myself for possibly needed to go back to work at some point. I've discussed this with my husband, of course, and he likes the idea of expanding my writing and photography...doing freelance work while I continue to work on my novel. I can submit shorter pieces for publication and continue to grow my portfolio. And, most importantly, I don't have to be in an office. I can work from the comfort of home so I have my physical needs met. Having a chronic pain condition makes thinking of getting up each morning and trying to make it into an office by 8:00 am a complete and total nightmare of epic proportions. Just the stress alone of whether I could make it there...and stay there for the entire day. I don't think I'd be able to physically do that right now. My condition appears to be getting worse, not a good sign. And not exactly something that will get you a job, or let you keep one if by some miracle you are hired by someone.

My college education is in visual communications and graphic design, photography, and writing. I can take courses and research how to do freelance editing as well; I could make this work. But first, I need to start getting myself published again. My previous published articles were all in journalistic style. Very fact based, analytical. The kind of writing I'd like to do is quite different. I've been a practicing Wiccan since I was fifteen years old...so for twenty years. There's a Wiccan/Pagan magazine and ezine that takes submissions for publication. So I say...why not? I can write about my faith, what I do, challenges I have had, or what ever special topics they are looking for.

There should be other publications that take freelance contributions, I just need to find the ones I like and start submitting. The same with my photography. My husband reminded me about all the photo contests that happen all the time; just need to start submitting. I can even sell my photos on a website, blown up poster size. It may not bring in a lot of money, but it'll bring in something eventually and I'd be able to contribute again, find something I can actually do with my pain condition.

That's really one of the worst parts of all of this, besides the actual pain that is: the lose of everything you were able to do before. I had a career, a dance troupe, physical activities that I loved to do...that life has died. I'm still mourning that life, I just don't want to let go of it yet. I can't bring myself to say that I'm going to have this disease for the rest of my life and say goodbye forever to all that I was. I liked who I was, the dancing, the career, my yoga, pilates, zumba...I felt good. I looked good. I can't say goodbye to that, I want it back to much. I'm still fighting, which doctors say I need to stop doing. No fighting, but continue to educate myself on treatments and research, and accept that for this moment, I have pain. This is extremely difficult, especially when you try to say it, but your insides twist into a knot because deep down you don't feel the truth in that statement. I still feel that acceptance means giving up. Maybe my doctors need to come up with a new word that isn't so negative to me.

But, regardless of my issues with acceptance of my current condition, I'm going to try to write and submit for publication again. Wish me luck!

Summer Solstice 2011

The Summer Solstice falls on June 21st this year. Solstice comes from the Latin Sol (sun) stice (to stand still), as the days get longer and longer, the sun rises until it appears to stand still in the sky. The Summer Solstice (also called Midsummer or Litha) is the longest day and shortest night of the year.

Significance of the Summer Solstice:

In pre-historic times, summer was a joyous time of the year for those Aboriginal people who lived in the northern latitudes. The snow had disappeared; the ground had thawed out; warm temperatures had returned; flowers were blooming; leaves had returned to the deciduous trees. Some herbs could be harvested, for medicinal and other uses. Food was easier to find. The crops had already been planted and would be harvested in the months to come. Although many months of warm/hot weather remained before the fall, they noticed that the days were beginning to shorten, so that the return of the cold season was inevitable.

The first (or only) full moon in June is called the Honey Moon. Tradition holds that this is the best time to harvest honey from the hives.

This time of year, between the planting and harvesting of the crops, was the traditional month for weddings. This is because many ancient peoples believed that the "grand [sexual] union" of the Goddess and God occurred in early May at Beltaine. Since it was unlucky to compete with the deities, many couples delayed their weddings until June. (Or, many couples realized in June that their "fun" in May has now turned into a baby). June remains a favorite month for marriage today. In some traditions, newly wed couples were fed dishes and beverages that featured honey for the first month of their married life to encourage love and fertility. The surviving vestige of this tradition lives on in the name given to the holiday immediately after the ceremony: The Honeymoon.

So, what to do for the solstice with a 4 year old...
I'm thinking lighting the summer bonfires is out of the question; even if we did have the space set up for it...we live in Arizona...we definitily have enough heat here. We are going to make paper sunflowers for our alter, and possibly a little ritual he can help me with (which must of course include lots of running around with arms raised - anything to wear that boy out!). And for me...the knowledge that fall is on its way with cooler wheather...I can't wait...it's my favorite season of all :-)

Wiccan Blessing for Summer

As the sun spirals its longest dance,

Cleanse us
As nature shows bounty and fertility
Bless us
Let all things live with loving intent
And to fulfill their truest destiny.

Is god a bigot?

I've studied different religions for years and one belief always confounds me, regardless of the specific faith, that god has only one "true" path. I don't personally understand it. Individuals have been recorded in history as having enlightened religious experiences from literally every faith in existence; whether it appeared as a dream, vision, near death experience, the voice of "God", you name it, someone has claimed to have experienced it. So how can there be only one way, one path, one face, one gender, one name when so many from so many belief systems have had such life changing experiences?

I look at the words used to describe "God" and can only think that this isn't a god I want anything to do with. Jealous, vengeful, but also loving and kind? If I were to describe a human being like that they'd be considered abusive and in need of serious psychological evaluation and treatment. And where do we get this character description? From religious texts written by other human beings long since dead, and hundreds of years after supposed events occurred.

We have learned that any text that has survived throughout history was written by the "winners". We never get to hear the stories of those who didn't win the war. So why is it that so many people can take the words written in religious texts as absolute truth? We know nothing about these individuals except what we've found. I'm certainly not saying that the authors of religious texts are all lying, but we need to realize that regardless of the intention all humans have individual feelings, opinions, and personal agendas which are always reflected in our writing. It makes no difference if the words are in a blog or religious book, they are only an individuals interpretation and personal beliefs.

I can't believe for a second that the amount of death and destruction that has been wrought by human beings in their attempt to forcibly convince the world that there way is the only way is what any Divine creator would want. We always hear the phrase "look at the larger picture", well, religion needs to do the same. Is it so inconceivable that god foresaw that humans would be amazingly diverse? That we would have so many beautiful and varied cultures and beliefs that one faith simply won't fit everyone? And that god created all religions, so that in our diversity we could find the path that truly spoke to our individual hearts and souls?

All belief systems hold a set of basic beliefs and "rules" to live by, and if one looks closely we will see that they all say the same things; treat others as you would be treated. This sentiment is put in numerous ways, but it really all comes down to this. Over the years humans have added some more colorful and unusual rules like what kind of food to eat/drink, type of clothes to wear, how and where to communicate with god and so on, but I believe all of these where just others who wanted to force their own opinions over those of their faith. We see it all the time, power hungry individuals who will say or do anything to get others to do as they say. It happens today, and it happened hundreds of years ago.

We all need to stop viewing religion as a one way street, but a beautiful map with numerous paths all leading us to our creator. Forcing your personal beliefs down the throats of others will never work, and trying to convince the world that "God" can only by found one way only shows that we have a long way to go to overcome such religious bigotry. Humans can be racist and a bigot, but god never was and never will be.